Wrestlicious Episode 1 TV McReview

Originally I wasn't going to review this show, because I thought my review would come off too biased due to my work with WSU, but fuck it, DOI and WSU are two seperate entities.

I love giving new wrestling a chance, and honestly, even though I knew it would never last, I really enjoyed watching and reviewing the Wrestling Society X shows on MTV. Some of the best stuff, or at least some of the most diverse stuff is the stuff you don't see on the USA and Spike networks. During the Monday Night Wars, I got hooked on ECW through the MSG network. I enjoyed ROH when it was first around before it got stale to me. Right now, I think Dragon Gate has some of the best PPVs in wrestling right now. In 2009, I don't think I've seen a better PPV than the 9/6 Chicago event.

Wrestling is like any art form, whether it be music, movies, painting, sculptures, etc, there is no one right way to deliver an inspiring piece of material. There are different genres because as people, we are not all the same and all like different things. Whether you were a WWF fan or an NWA fan, the bottom line was that you still liked wrestling. Even on today's indy scene, I think Chikara is the worst stuff around because it is so god damn fake and looks choreographed, but for every person who shares my point of view, there is a person who thinks the complete opposite. On the flip side, I also enjoyed the old USA Pro 17 hour marathon shows, but for every person who had fun at those shows, there was a person who fucking hated those events. Again, different strokes for different folks.

Obviously my opinion of what I think womens wrestling should be (or at least what it should be on a shoe-string budget) is reflected with my work in WSU. There are great athletes out there and those athletes should be showcased and be given a chance to show what they can do. Womens wrestling is a niche product where people won't give it a chance because "it's just womens wrestling." I mean there have been promoters who have been ignorant by saying that very statement.

However, if you're willing to open your mind and give it a chance, you will realize that there are women out there that can truly work and put on an entertaining match. If you associate all of womens wrestling with the diva crap WWE churns out, then of course you're not going to give companies like WSU or Shimmer a chance. A womens wrestling promotion has a harder time getting notice and play then a regular indy promotion, so you have to prove to fans on the fence that womens wrestling can be exciting and not just an exhibition of pillow fighting and hair pulling.

For the people reading this who don't know, the two top women promotions in America today are WSU and Shimmer. You can make a case why one promotion is better than the other, and again, it comes back to what your tastes are. Both promotions are different, as WSU is more storyline based and tries to deliver matches you want to see with long-term angles, while Shimmer is more dream-match booking with no long-term story. What is in common is both promotions deliver a quality womens wrestling show and prove that women wrestling is not just strippers rolling around in a ring. Both Shimmer & WSU have worked hard to change the common misconception of womens wrestling and have shown fans that there is an alternative from the daily women wrestling botchfests you see. Whether you think WSU is number 1 or if Shimmer is number 1, what everyone can all agree on is that both companies have tried to advance the state of womens wrestling, while the stuff you see on TV sets it back.

After watching Wrestlicious this past Monday night, I thought Wrestlicious set the back the state of womens wrestling back to the days before women were allowed to vote. If Wrestlicious was ever to really take off (It won't last) the way it would set womens wrestling back and tear down all the progress made, would be equivalent to having black slaves in America again and discredit the work of people like Martin Luther King, Rosa Parks and shit, even Malcom X.

I understand people are saying Wrestlicious is just another GLOW, but GLOW was in a different era. You wouldn't wear He-Man and Ghostbuster shirts around right? GLOW was good for its time, but like everything, people need to get with the times and evolve. We laugh at people who still wear zubaz pants and fanny packs. We laugh at mullets and big hair. We laugh at people who wear acid-wash jeans. Basically, what was great in one era, doesn't mean it will carry over into another era. When you wrestle, promote, watch on TV or attend a wrestling match, you are investing into that match for the present time. You are not thinking of how this match would've fared 20 years ago. You are not thinking if this match will be great 20 years from now. You are emotionally caught up of how it feels to you at that moment, and maybe if it's great, you start comparing it to the all time great matches. Basically, you are living the moment and you have to think of the present, not stuff from 20 years ago. While GLOW may have been fun for what it was at that time, Wrestlicious is fucking pathetic.

I will recap this show, and talk about what I thought was worse than anal cancer , but not as bad as Vince Russo, as we go on.

The show opened up with the fake AWA Wrestlerock rap. It's the commercial/trailer you've seen a million times with the girls singing about being Wrestlicious. You know the songs that go to the tunes of:

"I'm really a solid indy wrestler/but big indy paydays are fictious/thats why I'm degrading for myself for a money mark payday from Wrestlicious!"

I guess I do have to make a point here and give Wrestlicious some due - the money mark running the whole thing paid all the girls really well, much more than any other indy company can afford. You can't blame the girls for taking the payday. You could do worse things for money, and some girls in the land of wrestling have. Wrestlicious probably pays better than a years worth of Shimmer and WSU bookings, so the girls would be retarded not to do it. I guess the people of Wrestlicious don't think that well told stories with excellent wrestling could sell, so they had to bite off an idea from 20-30 years ago.

Our first segment of the show, shows the money mark, Jay Vargas with several women on his arm. Basically this whole show features guys from Wrestlicious management on the TV. It is ridiculous. Not one person is watching this to see some money mark walk around on TV. Not one person is watching this to see the people taking advantage and ripping off the money mark on TV either. I can understand why ripping off GLOW might be a good idea to Vargas, but I can't see how he thinks putting himself and the people siphoning off his bank account is good business. Shouldn't the girls be the focus of the show, not balding caucasians and fake Kanye Wests?

Anyway, Vargas is in his kitchen. Jimmy Hart is cooking with some girls. All these girls must have been touched and raped as kids, because they all have low self-esteems. Apparently, in the Wrestlicious world of reality, all the men are powerful Mormons, and girls are happy to be surrounding the men while being half-dressed. You know, kinda like a kinky episode of "Big Love."

Hart is complaining about having to always cook for Vargas. Why anyone would care about this is beyond me. I thought the hook of the show would be the girls, not if Jimmy Hart is cooking mac and cheese for a dumb ass money mark. Hart says the next thing you know Vargas will be asking him to clean his pool. After he said that, Vargas asked him to clean his pool. So apparently Hart is a fucking broke ass motherfucking bitch, because he has to take orders from a 19 year old money mark. I am surprised Hart had time to remove his head from Hulk Hogan's ass to have the time to clean the pool of the money mark.

Some skank says she'll clean the pool. Naturally, some fat redneck chases her around the kitchen. None of this made sense. We never re-visit Hart/Vargas again, so we leave this episode on the cliffhanger of "Did Vargas ever get his pool cleaned?" When it comes to drama, this was the anti "Who Shot JR?" storyline on Dallas. Fucking horrible.

A bunch of blonde airheads in ref shirts start dancing. We then see a commercial for Horny Goat Weed. With such sponsors as Horny Goat Weed that uses "TAP THAT" as its catch-phrase, it's only a matter of time before WWE has to acknowledge Wrestlicious.

Because we haven't had enough money marks and people who don't belong on a wrestling show, we cut to a balding white guy named Johnny C. Of course, people are watching this show to see a 50+ year old men get his kicks hanging out with girls 30 years his junior. Kandy Kisses (Lizzy Valentine/Valentina) enters the locker room. Kisses says she is listening to her latest hit single and asks Johnny if he wants to listen to it. Johnny gives it a listen. He says the song will sell millions..... millions of ear plugs. Kisses gets pissed and storms off. This skit was worse than a Saturday Night Live skit that airs at 12:55am.

So two skits, where the men are made to look powerful and the women are made to look like they have down syndrome. Susan B. Anthony must be rolling in her grave.

After a plug for the main event (We'll get to that later), Kandi Kisses comes out. Despite showing Leyla Milani as the host of this in the opening rap and showing a ton of female referees, for some reason old white men are the ring announcers and Ref Bryce is the referee. Doesn't that go against the whole theme of the promotion? I mean I understand on the indies you have to do with what you got financially and what not, but here they show you a female host and female refs, but then don't use them. I mean it isn't Vince Russo bad, but still.

So Kandi Kisses comes out with 2 dancers called the gumdrops. The story here is that Kandi Kisses is basically doing the same gimmick as Jillian on WWE, except Kandi Kisses doesn't have 100 pounds of plastic and face lifts on her. Oh yea, the crowd here, is a complete studio audience and when they are cheering they are cheering like a Price is Right contestant on crystal meth and speed. When they are booing, it's like Bob Barker is shoving animals from the pound into an oven. No wrestling crowd in the history of wrestling has ever acted like the crowd Wrestlicious presented with their crowd of crappy actors who can't even get background work on one of those Verizon nation commercials.

So yea, the crowd is to authentic and to intelligence as Jay Vargas is to being a successful businessman in pro wrestling.

Kisses starts lip synching her song. The crowd cheers, but then slowly turns on her, with the announcers playing connect the dots, in case you are deeply retarded and couldn't figure out what was going on on your own. The Gumdrops and Kisses are dancing but they keep bumping into each other. Kisses is exposed as the "Ashley Simpson" and "Manilli Vanilli" of Wrestlicious (The announcers comparisons, not mine.) After this trainwreck, all the girls go to the back. I'm sure this will sell a shit load of sponsorships to fill up commercial time.

A battle royal, where the winner will become the Wrestlicious Takedown champion is announced. Throughout the show, several participants are announced for it. When this battle royal is exactly taking place is never announced. Excellent way to promote your big event.

A promo video for Autumn Frost is shown. We are told her finisher is the "Stone Cold Stunner." What can you say to that? Ridiculous.

MATCH ONE
Toni The Top d. Maui
This was 30 seconds and almost Jackie Gayda bad. This was edited to the high heavens, so you have to wonder what the original match looked like. The girls couldn't lock up, run the ropes, and who knows, probably needed help getting their tampons on. (That line is for Amy Lee.) Fucking horrendous. Instead of starting off with something strong, you put on a squash match that is just fake. I understand what the company is trying to do, but this match wasn't sexy at all. I'm not walking around with a raging hard on, looking to spread my man seed all over the place when I watch a match that looks like two insane cripples fighting over what song to put in the jukebox.

Another stupid pointless segment was up next. Vargas, if you're reading this, instead of blowing all this money on a wrestling show that sucks and will never make you a dime, why not just donate the money to the fight against AIDS, Breast Cancer, the Negro College Fund or some sort of charity. I mean it's nice of you to pay the girls in wrestling I guess. I understand the point of the show is to be hokey, but this is as funny as Chinese water torture.

Anyway, this segment was Cousin Cassie in a doctors office. Cassie says she needs eye glasses. So does Vargas, so he can see this shit is horrible. The doctor says he doesn't believe in glasses, because he drinks straight from the bottle. This is like bad one liners that MAD Magazine wouldn't even print.

More retardation on the table, this time from "Bandita's Cantina". In this horrible restaurant sketch, a customer tells Bandita there's a roach problem. She says there is no roach problem because the rats ate them all. The doctor from the previous segment should've been called in next to sew everyone's sides back up from laughing so hard. I mean this stuff isn't even like a fake ha laugh funny, it is as entertaining as finger nails on a chalk board.

MATCH 2
Maria Toro (Mercedes Martinez)/Bandita/Felony (Rain) w/some slob prison guard d. Cousin Cassie/Tyler Texas (Lorelei Lee)/Charlotte (Amber O'Neal)
Man all the talent in this place, and this is the best they can do? Again, I understand strong wrestling isn't the point of this company, and it's about retarded jokes that only the people ripping off Vargas finds funny, but wow, another train wreck here.

The best stuff of this match was whenever Toro or Felony was in the ring with Texas. Of course, that's because they were the only wrestlers in this match that had time, as Amber O'Neal/Charlotte was just used at the finish.

Bandita/Cassie started the match off for god knows why. Like the first match, neither could lock up, run the ropes, and basically looked as coordinated and natural as a fish walking in a desert.

Basically the match then turned into the heels beating on Tyler Texas. Charlotte hot tagged in, but ate a fisherman buster from Toro. Felony then pinned Charlotte.

Again, the stuff with Rain/Mercedes/Lee was fine for what it was, but nothing mind blowing. Everything else was diarreah.

The show then immediately went off the air with no plugs, previews for next week or when the battle royal for the Takedown title would air.

Final McWord
I want to make it clear that I understand this is supposed to be comedy not real wrestling, but nothing was funny. I mean there was more laughter at the Holocaust then with the crappy one liners here. If you're going to be comedy, you should at least be funny. If you're looking for something to watch on Monday Night's before or after Raw, check out "How I Met Your Mother" on CBS. You'll at least get some laughs there.

I also do not want to come off as I'm hating on Wrestlicious, I just thought it sucked. Dangerous Women of Wrestling does the comedy/wrestling mix with untrained and trained girls like Wrestlicious stuff, but I have actually laughed at some of DWOW's stuff. Plus, DWOW lets the girls who can wrestle, wrestle, instead of tarnishing them and not getting their full worth out of their athletes by plaguing them with dumb gimmicks. Of course, like Wrestlicious, you still have an idiot owner like Steve The Sound Guy running around in DWOW. Still, if you're looking for something like this, DWOW already does it and does it right.

Overall
This show made women not look so hot and made me wish I had AIDS.

Sean "The MiC" McCaffrey
BULLSMC@aol.com

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