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CHIKARA Pro
10/30/04
Emmaus, PA
In the vein of such classic crossovers as Marvel vs. DC: the miniseries
(wherein a hobo-like Aquaman beat speedo-spokesman Namor the Sub
Mariner by commanding a whale to jump on him), 411mania.com and the DOI LINK
UP for this SENSES SHATTERING REVIEW! Peter Kent, of the VIOLENT PANDA
Wrestling Digest and the MOTHERSHIP give you:
THE VENUE: I packed up my cheap ass CVS digital camera and wandered
from New York to Emmaus, PA. The venue was easy to find, as Emmaus is laid
out with MASSIVE street signs which are actually in order, so SIXTH
STREET was right after FIFTH STREET. This is good because I get lost every
time I go to the mall. They let us in a few minutes after 6:30 PM, and
the place filled up as the night went on. It looks like you could seat
maybe 100 people, and I counted around 75 at one point. The show was
held inside a firehouse or company building, not sure exactly what. We
came in the butt-end and the ring was right there in what looked to be a
fairly large room that looked kind of like a school classroom with no
windows and a low ceiling. The ring was maybe one foot off the ground.
Basically that meant we got lots of topes and every inverted suplex
victim risked kicking ceiling tile all over the place.
THE CROWD: CHIKARA is a family-friendly show, and they made a point to
let everyone know that vulgarity is not permitted (which is fine with
me). So the crowd was made up say 50% families, then a few clusters of
hardcore "smart" fans and then some neo-hippies. Add a smattering of
SUPPLE wrestler girlfriends, who were of fine quality. But CZW remains the
champion when it comes to the volume of hotties at a wrestling show.
Last but not least were the angry loners like myself, which altogether
makes for a really weird mix of people. The Crowd was VERY quiet for most
of the night, which really sucked because a lot of the stuff we saw was
really good. This is why I think the GEEVE IT TO HEEM guy and The
MOTHERFUCKING GLF are so tremendous. A ballsy chant-starter can help give
life to a timid crowd. You just need that one rabblerouser to bust out a
chant, and it seems like many others will then join in. Hey, I know my
lot in life, and I am no Indy Superfan. My kermit the frog voice would
likely lead me to a beating rather than a rousing "Private Eye" chant,
no matter how much the guy deserves it.
To start things off, the ring announcer guy ran down the card and the
rules, and talked for a bit about the Cibernetico, which was to be the
main event. He also mentioned that there was a show the previous night,
and Darkness Crabtree had a falls count anywhere match with Lance Steel
which never ended. They were last seen fighting on a flatbed truck in
Reading, PA and that if we were lucky maybe we'd see them here tonight.
So IMMEDIATELY this show is worth the $9.
We are told that 1/2 of the IWA MS tag champs, Eddie Kingston of the
Wild Cards, would like to address the fans.
His music (which is awful.. I'm not even sure how to describe it as
anything other than "elevator music") hits and he enters. The crowd looks
at him quietly and he notes "WOW you people are on fire tonight". His
partner, Blackjack Marciano, joins him in the ring (putting on his boots
while Eddie talks) and Eddie talks about how they just beat Homicide
and B Boy (in IWA?) and there's no teams in the indies that are better
than them. He asks us if there's any team better than them, and the crowd
is a corpse. I wrack my brain and yell "Havana Pitbulls!!", but then I
realise it's a day later and I'm at a Wendy's drive through window. So
then Eddie gets on the crowd, calling one dude "Fat Jesus" and the
crowd laughs. Eddie then starts jawing with another fan, but when Eddie
wants him to get on the mic the guy flat refuses. Basically Kingston took
the crowd from DEAD to warm, which I found to be quite a feat. Eddie
seems so comfortable up there, and he seems like a natural character. I
get the feeling he "lives his gimmick", he just goes up there and plays
himself, and it works out great.
European Rules Match - Claudio Castagnoli vs. American Gigolo: So the
rules are that the match will have rounds 3:00 long, with a 30 second
break inbetween. Low blows will incur a warning, I think he said three
warnings will cause you to lose the match. So the ring announcer
introduces Gigolo... and noone comes out of the entrance. The entranceway for
the wrestlers is also the entrance for fans. So Gigolo's music hits,
there's a long pause.. Then SOME DUDE comes in and buys a ticket, and is
shocked when a smattering of "Gigolo" chants come his way. Soon after,
the real Gigolo comes out followed by Castagnoli (who is pimped out in a
blue suit). I don't remember much about round one, other than some
pretty sweet counters. Real quick back and forth matwork. At the end of the
first round, Gigolo gets up and heads to the back, thinking the match
is over and he can go. The ref tries to tell him it's not, but ends up
starting the count. Gigolo comes back from the locker room at a count of
8 with some water and just makes it into the ring under 10. I can't
remember if this went for 2 or 3 rounds total, but man Gigolo busted out
some SWEET bridging pin attempts that I have never seen before.
Castagnoli looks like he's been taking serious pointers from Chris Hero as he
whipped out the cravates all over this mamma jamma. Heck, he even looks
like Hero quite a bit. Castagoli ends up winning, the crowd applauds
both men after the match, but the applause was short-lived and there was
alot of quiet time as the wrestlers made their way to the back. This
was a pretty good match, it seemed like we only got a small taste of what
these guys can do, but what they did do was impressive. I love the euro
rounds concept, IMO wrestling desperately needs fresh concepts like
this to spice up the HOSSy DQ quagmire it's mired in.
WINNER: Claudio Castagnoli
Suddenly - FROM THE SIDE DOOR~! Two men are brawling! Is it? YES!
(Con't) Falls Count Anywhere - Darkness Crabtree vs. Lance Steel:
Crabtree just cracks me up. His mask of a blue-faced tired person with a
frosty beard coupled with his old-man voice and frequent complaints and
you have GOLD. Lance Steel is no slouch either, just for the fact that he
has this freaky-ass costume.. But his name is Lance Steel. Old man
Crabtree is wheezing as Steel brings him to the ring and cinches in the
boston crab. Crabtree taps and then moans: "Thank God it's over.. That was
the longest match ever". Official match time: 23 hours, 6 minutes.
WINNER: Lance Steel
Afterward, the ref helped Crabtree to the back and Crab takes the
STAIRFALL SUPERSELL! Hilarious match, really great idea. Crabtree is
EBESSAN-ESQUE!
Ravage vs. Niles Young: This match was the one hurt the most by the
crowd o' silence. It was actually so quiet people were whispering. Maybe
they are going for a puro atmosphere, as there was clapping for good
exchanges all night, but just not enough for me. I would imagine this
would really frustrate a wrestler when putting his best effort forward,
just to get nothing. Anyway.. Ravage was painted up like The Crow (for a
second I thought he was CZW's king of spot-fu, Justice) and he did alot
of high-pitched laughing. It made me wonder if he was Hallowicked or
one of the other high-pitched heels doing double duty. Niles Young is
YOUR Hardy Boy of the night, complete with pony tail, cargo pants and, of
course, the mime shoes. They went into some exchanges that ended with
Ravage slapping Niles' back, which Niles complained to the ref about. A
bit later I noticed that the ring wasn't really wide at all, as an
armdrag would send the victim's legs dangling on the ropes. Niles busted
out some nice, real stiff chops, which are awesome to see up close and
live. On the downside, Ravage threw some very soft kicks that are
painfully obvious when we're all so close to the ring. Ravage ended up putting
Niles into the set-up for what I think was Hokuto and Modest's
finisher, kind of like a backdrop driver but with the victim to the side with
his head cradled. I can never remember move names. But from that set-up,
he flung Niles' legs forward and turned it into a neckbreaker, a really
cool idea but it came off a bit awkward and mis-timed. That got a two
count. Niles busts out a SWEET tornado DDT - into a standing position
and a snap suplex! Niles also had a segment where he just was ON FIRE,
and man he has got a sixth gear. He showed awesome intensity and was
sending Ravage all over the place and everything looked good. The match was
broken up a bit by the wrestlers trying to get some clapping going, I
hate that... If people are going to clap, they'll clap. I mean, in this
instance with a comatose crowd I guess a little clap-whoring is needed
(?), I dunno. For me that's mostly annoying, though. Niles ends up
winning this with a boot to the face. OK match, they had a tough roe to hoe
and made the best of it.
WINNER: Niles Young
IWA Mid South Tag Title Match - Joker & Sabian vs. The Wild Cards(c)
(Eddie Kingston & BlackJack Marciano): Before the match gets underway,
Sabian calls Kingston "Sinbad" from the classic film "Jingle all the
Way", which got a good laugh. Kingston got upset with Marciano for
laughing, but man he does kinda look like Sinbad. The WildCards offer up a
touching moment with the pre-match hug, which nicely sets the tone. Early
on, Sabian teases a tope and Marciano squeals in terror. Eddie comes
over to comfort him and Jack says "I hate lucha" and Eddie embraces him
and says "so do I". Joker and Kingston in the ring together are GOLD, as
they bust out some real intense shoot-style submission stuff. Then in
the corner, they trade SICK headbutts at quick speeds. The crowd finally
got penetrated as everyone freaked out while these two just pounded
skulls - it seriously sounded like two bowling balls getting bashed
together. When Sabian got back in he threw some freaking great punches. Maybe
it was just the positioning but to me it looked like he was just
letting them fly. Sabian follows up with a tilt-a-whirl headscissors takeover
- with Marciano getting tossed BACK onto his neck, rather than into the
standard forward flip. Awesome spot. Joker gets back in and hits some
high flying stuff and then comes back in and lands a BEAUTIFUL Shining
boot to the face. Thank God! While it's still official that everyone and
their grandma use a shining wizard, at least Joker comes up with an
awesome variation. Sabian is the victim of a nasty double team move, but
is able to kick out of the pin attempt. Marciano (I think) then gives
Sabian a belly to belly RELEASE OVER THE TOP ROPE AND TO THE FLOOR!
GROSS! Kingston then is able to finish Joker off for the victory.
WINNERS: The Wild Cards
This just blew everyone away. Absolutely awesome match that took a
quiet crowd and got them freaking out through just plain awesome, daring
work. Afterward, the Wild Cards thank Joker and Sabian. I think Joker is
in the military and is home for a week or two, it rules that he is
taking bookings on the little time he has off. This is a match you should
check out if you can.
Larry Sweeney makes his way to the ring. I've seen this guy once
before, in a match at a small indy show called PIW, and I didn't like him.
I'm not sure why, I guess for me there is just something repulsive about
the late '70's sleaze-man gimmick, coupled with the pink tights and the
terrible indy-trend of GROIN BULGE. But Sweeney, winner of the Young
Lions cup (which I believe is basically a 'top trainee' title, or
'rookie' title) comes out in his giant tinted sunglasses, takes the mic and
cuts a PERFECT promo. His delivery was better than most guys in the WWE,
he did not stumble or stop ONCE, and he was able to get genuine hate
from a good portion of the crowd. He basically just ran down Jigsaw, and
talked about his faction 'Sweet and Sour International', which makes me
laugh every time I hear it said. The guy is promo gold, he absolutely
blew everyone away. He easily cements himself as the top heel with just
4 minutes of mic work.
2 out of 3 falls IPW Mexican Title Match - Skayde vs. Oriental(c): I
think they said Oriental works for AAA in Mexico, and Skayde is the head
trainer of Toryumon. I am so confused by all the Toryumons out there,
what with Toryumon X and Dragon's Gate and whatever. Oriental, of whom
it should be noted is clearly Spanish, comes out to Warren G saying:
"Regulators! Mount up!" and thus cinches in your INAPPROPRIATE THEME OF
THE EVENING! These guys went to town with the luchamania, but obviously
not alot of highflying due to the ceiling. My notes are jumbled because
there was so much crazy crap going on, it was impossible to keep track.
Skayde made Oriental tap to pick up the first fall. Oriental took the
second with a top rope armdrag into a pin. Skayde then busts out the
TIGER DRIVER but Oriental ultimately wins it with a front flip legdrop
onto the back of Skayde's head (!), and the pinfall victory. AWESOME
match, the crowd was still sluggish though and there was a bit of
clap-whoring (but not even a milli-fraction of what I see on AAA every week).
Both guys were awesome, Oriental's offense in particular was amazing.
WINNER: Oriental
After, Gigolo comes out and talks crap to Oriental in Spanish. O
responds in kind, and really we don't need to understand what they're saying
because it's obvious Gigolo wants a shot at the belt. Oriental then
thanks Skayde in English. This match in particular deserved a better
crowd, IMO. If this was held in old EC DUB the crowd would have melted.
Heck, if this was held in the 9/11 ROH show I went to it would have SMOKED
EVERYTHING.
INTERMISSION: They were selling lucha masks for kids, and dammit they
had a GRONDA mask but there's no way my giant head would fit into that
thing. You could tell the main event was going to be really long because
a) it had 16 guys in it and b) it was the only match left on the card.
Torneo Cibernetico rules: So you got two teams, the rudos ('Sweet and
Sour International') and the technicos (The CHIKARA fellas). Each team
has a 'batting order', and only one man can wrestle in the ring at a
time. He can tag out, but only to the next guy in the lineup. If the legal
man falls out of the ring, that counts as an automatic tag. This is
elimination rules, so the match ends when all members of one team have
been eliminated.
I noticed that Mike Quackenbush, the top guy of CHIKARA, wasn't booked,
but there was a slot in the face team's lineup that was 'TBA'. I
figured that'd be Quackenbush, or maybe he was running the show without
performing tonight. Honestly the show was stacked anyway and I forgave him
in my head if he wasn't wrestling on the show.
TORNEO CIBERNETICO - Sweet & Sour Int'l (Rorschach, Mano Metalico,
Hallowicked, Spyrazul, UltraMantis Black, ShareCropper, Crossbones & Larry
Sweeney) vs. Mr. ZERO, Gran Akuma, Jolly Roger, Shane Storm, DJ
Skittlez, Icarus, Jigsaw & TBA: Who was the mystery man? Why, it was PRIVATE
EYE, the detective with an eyeball for a head! Seeing that guy waddle
around in a trenchcoat is pleasing on a primal level. The heels came out,
but Spyrazul, a horned guy, didn't show. Larry Sweeney turned toward
the entrance, and Spyrazul finally showed his face. Sweeney started
yelling at Spyrazul and told him to get his head straight, and Spyrazul
started shoving him back, it looked like they were actually going to go at
it. Right now, ShareCropper is the hot gimmick in CHIKARA. He has a
mask shaped like a head of corn. Now, I pride myself on my quick wit, but
he came over to me and started talking crap and I drew a blank.. A
total blank. I couldn't form a sentence, even while he was be-bopping and
skatting all over me. The best I could offer was a feeble point of a
finger as if to say "I'll get you, you bastard". I'm pretty sure his
girlfriend, or at least a ladyfriend (wink wink) was behind me (he kept
saying stuff to her all night) so maybe I could say I was just making him
look good.
This match was MOVIE LENGTH at 1 hour and 17 minutes, so I'll just puke
up stuff that stuck out:
- Spyrazul jabbed a horn into Private Eye's pupil which he sold as
DEVASTATING. Private eye rebounded by busting out a red hanky, which forced
Spyrazul to charge like a bull, only to go headfirst into the
turnbuckle behind the hanky.
- ShareCropper got a guy in the wheelbarrow position and was yelling
"Oh yeah! You like it like that!" VAGUE HOMOEROTICISM?!
- Icarus gets Crossbones (gotta be a take-off on the Red Skull henchman
of the same name) in a full nelson, Bones converts it to a swing dance,
Icarus counters the dance into an arm wringer.
- Finally we get through the whole lineup the first time around, and
Larry Sweeney starts talking crap to Jigsaw as they get set to square
off. Sweeney starts strutting around the ring big time - then tags out.
Man some of the fans just HATE HIM, it was awesome.
- Gran Akuma and Hallowicked were awesome together, busting out a
coveted Greco Roman knucklelock sequence and a bunch of other great-looking
stuff
- Private Eye was sent into the ropes, his opponent lied flat on the
mat. Eye came off the ropes, and instead of hopping over him, ran off the
adjacent rope. The attacker lay flat again. Eye ran off the adjacent
rope. Repeat about 8 times. Then the attacker just got up and out of the
way while Eye continued to bounce off the ropes. The crowd was both
befuddled and bemused. Eye eventually got exhausted.
- DJ Skittlez really shined in this match, he really brought the
stiffness and intensity. He was really impressive, especially considering
he's just a dude in a tank top and doesn't have the rainbow hair anymore.
His chops off the trash bag-like material of bones shirt made for some
DEAFENING chops. He also busted out a great plancha later on.
- 30 minutes had gone by and NOONE was eliminated. Some people in the
crowd couldn't take it, others were grumbling. We're used to 5 minute
matches so this was really a stretch.
- Metalico was getting the best of Jolly Roger, so Shane Storm held up
a Stop sign on the apron. Metalico saw it and of course stopped. This
allowed Jolly Roger time to climb to the top and deliver a flying
crossbody for the pin and the first elimination. The crowd popped big for the
eliminations as it had been SO long.
- Psycho Mantis smells. I mean, he just smells. Like WHAT, I'm not
sure, maybe curry. And he screams really, really loud, and it's
heat-getting like Bill Alfonso's whistle in EC dub. Alfonso's whistle ruined many
an RVD or Sabu match because he just wouldn't stop, same with Mantis.
I'd probably fast-forward through his stuff just so I don't have to
listen to him. In the confines of the building we were in it was just way
too much.
- Sweeney repeatedly would tag himself in so he could pin a guy who had
been pummeled by the previous entrant. Then he'd tag out and brag about
how good he was. Old school, but he does it in an entertaining way and
makes it seem new. Some fans just hated him, he really got some heat.
- 1 hour passed, there was still ten or so participants left.
- Jolly Roger tapped out, and the little kid in front of me got really
sad and his mom had to keep telling him Roger was OK. But Roger's
selling was more convincing... You KNOW you're doing a good job when that
happens.
- They busted out the Toryumon EIGHT MAN SUPLEX, where 4 guys were
linked side-by-side and suplexed their opponents at the same time, looked
awesome, crowd loved it.
- Sweeney with some more delicious cheatery, as he's facing off against
Gran Akuma and he SHOOT SELLS the knee to the point the ref is pausing
the match to get some trainers to check it out - then Sweeney gets up
and COLD COCKS Akuma with brass knucks (the randy savage invisible
knucks i think) and covers for the cheap pin. Awesome.
- So at that point, there's only one face left - Jigsaw. There were
three heels - Sweeney, Spyrazul and Rorschach. They all get in the ring
and Sweeney is just living it up, strutting around and talking shit.
Jigsaw is standing there ready to go. The crowd gets on Sweeney, who climbs
the turnbuckle and has a one man party. Then Spyrazul turns and DRILLS
Rorschach to the mat and motions for Jigsaw to cover. He does and the
ref counts 1,2,3! The whole crowd goes: "WTF?" And Sweeney is STILL
living it up on the turnbuckle. FINALLY, he turns around and looks at
Spyrazul, and Rorschach, who's now stumbling to the back... And Spyrazul
pulls off his mask and IT'S FUCKING MIKE QUACKENBUSH! The crowd is STUNNED
as Quack chucks the mask to the mat and leaves. I mean, this blindsided
EVERYBODY. Quackenbush wrestled as Spyrazul the whole time! Then I
thought back to the heel entrance where Spyrazul at first didn't appear,
and that must have been when Quack jacked the real Spyrazul and put on
his costume. It is too perfect. No backstory necessary! So the whole
crowd is just putting it together in their heads and we see it's all down
to Jigsaw and Sweeney, and YOU KNOW Sweeney is fucked. They go into an
AWESOME counter sequence which I'd have to assume were finisher
attempts, as I dunno what they're finishers are, and Jigsaw ends up dropping
Sweeney and landing a STIFF Shining Wizard for the win. Unbelieveable!
WINNERS: CHIKARA in 1 hr. 17 min.
Crowd busted out cheers for Jigsaw, who posed, but STILL the crowd
wasn't molten, and he did a little cheer-milking. I guess I'd have cheered
more for Jigsaw if he had done more.
That was the end of the show. My mind was blown from the Spyrazul
thing, the more I thought about it the greater it was. It was simple and
foreshadowed beautifully, and I even thought to myself when Spyrazul and
Sweeney got in each other's faces that maybe a heel vs. heel feud was
brewing, but this still took me completely by surprise. I didn't even
take a photo of Quack de-masked or anything. Bottom line: These guys just
BOOKED CIRCLES around EVERYONE. I haven't seen such efficient and
clever storytelling ANYWHERE in 2004.
OVERALL: I'm having a hard time ranking this show on a scale of 0-5 (5
being best) because of the crowd. IMO a crowd makes a show, but I felt
they hurt this show a bit. They just didn't pop for stuff I felt any
other crowd would have popped for. But then I think that maybe the crowd
had appropriate reactions, and it's me who's into it more. Maybe part
of the discrepency can be explained by the makeup of the fans. A good
portion of the crowd were families and little kids. I'd guess that while
the ROH crowd would have freaked out over DJ Skittlez' devastating
lariats, Joe Blow and Mrs. Blow couldn't give two craps. So then is this a
case of CHIKARA not booking to their audience? I really am not sure.
But I do know that this show, if placed in the RexPlex on 9/11, or at
the JAPW rec center, would have tore the fans a new hole. There were no
'dudes in t-shirts' blowing 10 spots, no guys paying King Kong Bundy a
grand to job to them, no stupifying 'Evil Owner' gimmicks which have
been done beyond death a hundred times over. We even got PURE LUCHA! I'm
not sure if guys with a big eyeball for a head are everyone's cup of
tea, but t should be. Everyone from top to bottom looked like they new
what they were doing and I can count the botched moves on one hand. While
the crowd reactions make me want to give this a 3, I am going to give
this a 4 out of 5. CHIKARA is the best kept secret in the indies.
Check out Chikara Pro at: http://www.chikarapro.com
Look at their tapes at: http://www.smartmarkvideo.com
If you want to read more, consider these choice selections from my
online library of masturbation humor:
My latest Weekly Digest
http://www.411mania.com/wrestling/columns/article.php?columns_id=3045
Best of Ebessan review (some typos not my fault, other ones fuck you)
http://www.411mania.com/wrestling/videos/article.php?videos_id=907
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