The following column contains Adult material. Read at your own discretion
DOI Note: In an effort to bring more entertainment and more light hearted material to this site, we are proud to debut our latest feature "Piledrivin' Advice" by Jasmin St. Claire. Jasmin St. Claire will answer all questions, and will lend insight to anyone who wants it. This column is meant to be entertaining, and to give you something to laugh at while you're at work, school or home. This is the DOI's Maximish column, and we hope you enjoy it.
Hello, and I'm glad to be back with my second column here. Don't forget to send me all your questions at JasminStClaire@declarationofindependents.net
Let's get some specifications out of the way:
If you are a mature adult, seeking serious and heartfelt guidance in your quest to solve your emotional difficulties and you want immediate results to give yourself piece of mind and mature informed advice,
If you have serious emotional and/or physical problems and you are grasping for real and/or imaginative straws in a feeble attempt to resolve your dysfunctional & torturous love life,
If you are 18-60 years of age, and you function on the mentality of a 12 year old on your best day & you think life is a big joke & your love life consists of filling up condoms like water ballons & throwing them off a hi-rise in Manhattan,
I have decided to make this column more wrestling related as well. Send all your wrestling, sex and even heavy metal questions to me and I will answer them here.
Thank you for the feedback on my last column. Now I will answer a few questions I recieved this week!
THEN.....................THIS COLUMN IS NOT FOR YOU!
THEN........................................THIS COLUMN IS NOT FOR YOU!
THEN............................THIS COULMN IS DEFINITELY FOR YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am a 35 year old virgin man from Long Island. I do enjoy paying exorbitant prices at strip clubs to look at women, since I can't get a girl to show me their breasts without cash involved. I like to stalk indy girl females and show them pictures of me and famous porn stars. I have a low self-esteem. How can I get laid for free? Please don't say to rape the homeless, because I tried it, and the homeless man kicked my ass.
Thank you
Brett
Dear Brett,
You are a real loser,but then again, I am not telling you something you don't already know. I have an expression- "There is a solution to every problem", but your case is the obvious exception. I suggest you play Russian Roulette with yourself & make sure all of the chambers have bullets in them.
You are a pathetic excuse for a human being.
Hugs & kisses,
Jasmin St Claire
xoxox
PS: Grim Reaper rock!
Dear Jasmin
I have a problem a really big one. I am from NY and my name is Anthony. I am not the most attractive guy in the world but I do have some money. In fact I might just change my name from Anthony to Money Mark. The paper work is in the works.
Here is my problem. I used to donate money along with certain illegal substances to certain wrestlers at wrestling shows. I would always go backstage just so I can say hey I am hanging with a wrestler. I would usually get a polaroid taking with someone. The bigger the star the better it was. So I would take these pictures of me and the wrestlers and then I would go down to the local bar. I have a drinknig problem but we wont get into that. I would go around the bar and look for some cheap whore or a really desperate girl being that is all I can get. I would then show them my pictures and pretend I was a super sports agent. Well this is when it all started to go wrong for me
I met this girl named Dana who turned out to be Danny because she had a penis. Now that is not the problem. Dana or Danny stole my photo album and is using it for blackmail. The first time I met Dana was like last month. I showed him my pictures with DLO Brown and she was hooked on me. In fact since I was a sports agent I told Dana she had me hooked on Hello. Just like that Jerry Mcguire dude. So now I went to Dana's house who is really Dan and I said "Look Danny I just want my photos back" and Danny threw me out of his house with out getting them. I then got a message on my machine saying that if I want my pictures back I need to go on one more date with him. So I did and I liked it ALOT. He tied me up and inserted stuff into me all over like I was kidnapped by aliens. I told him to keep my pictures as I dont need them anymore as I am in love with Danny. Is this Normal?
Anthony D
Howard Beach, New York
Dear Mizark,
You are a very sick man and as we speak, I am fowarding your letter to my spiritual and financial advisor, the Iron Sheik for his philosophical guidance and so he can also hit you up for a loan. Didn't your mother ever tell you that you can't buy friends or happiness but you can buy dick (and chicks with them) from now until the cows come home?
You need alot of help and you've come to the right place ...to be ridiculed and tarred and feathered in a public forum because your are such a poor excuse for a loser. I would tell you, I hope your dick falls off, but from what I hear you are paying a plastic surgeon in Brazil a lot of money to have it surgically removed so you and "Danny" could be more compatible.
I hope for your sake that you made this letter up, if so I congratulate you for your creativity and perverse sense of humor. If not, I have a great deal on a truckload of rare Virgil 8 x 10s and a bridge in Brooklyn I would love to sell you.
Drop dead, sicko!
Hugs and kisses,
Jasmin
xoxox
PS : I ove rocking with Dokken
Dear Jasmin,
Welcome back to the DOI.
About 3 weeks ago me & my boyfriend saw you at Serendipity's in NY & invited you to eat with us. You graciously accepted. We are huge wrestling fans and I am intrigued to know what it is like being a successful woman in a male dominated world & also, you had so many great stories & adventures that you told us about,why haven't your written a book?
Carolina Alvarez
NYC
Hi Carolina,
As far as a book, I was doing one . I have held back since I feel it is really frigging rude, disrespectful and selfish to shove my past in my parents' faces and most of all some of the more dangerous/edgy experiences I have had.
As far as sharing my adventures and stories with others, I share them with people whose company I enjoy and who make me happy.
Thanks for the ice cream sundae-it totally hit the spot.
It is great being a successful female in a male dominated business. At times, it is amusing to see how petty and immature some of these male promoters are. They become prissy and rather classless when they see me do well. It is really funny when a a loser with the 1st name Tony always hides behind a computer and takes the time of his useless life to write stuff about me on boards. It is flattering since I must be doing something right.
Thanks again for the great Frozen Hot Chocolate
Hugs,
Jasmin St Claire
PS: Maiden will always rule!
Please send all future Wrestling, Sex and Rock and Roll questions to: JasminStClaire@declarationofindependents.net
Thanks for reading!
Heavy Metal Rocks!
JasminStClaire@declarationofindependents.net
JSC
For more on Jasmin St Claire visit http://www.jasminstclaire.com