FAT BASTARD UNCENSORED 8/7/03 NO HOLDS BARRED

From the DOI: DOI long time Wack Packer, Fat Bastard, has asked us to put up his new Fat Bastard Uncensored columns. Being a site for the fans and by fans as well, (including a few journalists too!), we will now run Fat Bastards "Uncensored" Columns, as long as he keeps writing them.

The DOI would also like to thank Penny Dreadful who edited Fat Bastard "Uncensored". If anyone has seen Fat Bastard type, it's not the prettiest sight, so thank you Penny. You deserve a Nobel Peace Prize. Also check her thoughts at the end of this column.

With that said, the DOI is proud to have the first installment of "Uncensored" by Fat Bastard!

The following reflects the opinions of Fat Bastard and no one else. The statements here are soley from Fat Bastard, and doesn't neccessarily reflect what the DOI think.

Welcome to Fat Bastard Uncensored on its new home at the DOI. Let me start off with the JAPW. I encountered my first journey to that wasteland New Jersey to see JAPW. I get my ass up to the city to meet up with the crew, not knowing their intentions towards me. Ill get to that later. Okay first off the bus is 45 minutes late. Fuck it, we killed time listening to Louie. This individual will crack you up when in his presence. Sadly Louie's Pro Wrestling career will come to an end August 29th when he faces Balls Mahoney. If you need tickets contact the Motivator.

Okay back to business. Well, we were laughing at Zombie and Louie when I had to go to the can. Shits small as fuck. Sadly on the way there, I fell on Brian Myers and crushed the poor kid. I treated the bus to a magazine with a picture of my Pops Bastion Booger. The bus ride up there was quiet. NOT!! Matt Zombie is a crazy ass nazi, but a funny one.

Okay, on to the show. Fucking building was HOTTER than the fucking Elks. Fuck it was like 104 degrees. Don't remember much of the show. Was not really feeling it. Fat Frank did give us 2 jobbers to watch go through tables courtesy of Slugger and Mega with Allison Danger, the Skyscrapers. Its always nice to watch the jobbers in NY. The ticket sellers go through a table. Good carnage to get the show started. Then we went through like 3 light heavy weight matches where the Grim Reefer jobs to Azrieal. Your main event was Mafia (Dan Maff) vs Al Snow getting the 1-2-3. The match was quite wild. It made its way past the ring where yours truly got a bruised knee from a flying chair.

All and all the card was decent. On the Fat Bastard scale of 1 to 10, the show gets a 6. Now if you include the bus ride home it gets a 10. Except the horrid vomit smell. I lost my bag changing fucking buses. The other bus took a few minutes. The back of the bus where my retarded buddies DOI, Wack Packers, the chink Bravado, and my buddy Verbal Abuse, realized my shit was on the other bus. Then began the fat jokes, the ranting on and that did not end. I attacked Verbal Abuse, took my smelly ass armpit and rammed it in into his face. The fat jokes then ended, and the drinking began. The jokes were wild and crazy. No one was safe. The Jews, the chinks, the whites, the chicks, the spanish, the chink Bravado. It was all good fun. Then we came towards the Holland Tunnel where Louie spotted some tits. The whole back of the bus rushed to the right side. The poor lady was frightened. We come out of the tunnel and Low Life Louie spreads his butt cheeks for 34th street to see. It was wild. The fucked up part was this dude coming to get a closer look at Louie's ass. Sept 27th is the next bus trip to JAPW. Will Louie share his butt cheeks with NYC again? Come and see. To the front of the bus, you were dull and boring. Manslaughter.. I will not forget the BEEP BEEP BEEP. My revenge shall come upon you all. I would like to take this moment to issue an open challenge to Verbal Abuse.

Now onto Fan Fest USA PW. One of my fav matches of the night wuz Raven vs Lowki. This match was off the hook, plain and simple. It was all over the training center with Raven getting the 1-2-3. A very stiff match. Good to see Lowki working with high caliber wrestlers such as Johnny Polo. No Scotty Flamingo. Wait Im fucked up. Raven. As Sean the Drunk Mic would put it PAW. Papadon vs Azrieal. This match was solid and fun to watch. We also got to see the Masked Jew and Bam Bam vs two sorry looking ticket sellers called the Blue Mask and the Green Mask. Who were these pathetic masked wrestlers? MM and BBB dominated with ease. Other notes on Fan Fest. Boogie Knights won the Tag Team Titles over DRS. April Hunter looked fine in the Battle of the Browns, where Slyk Wagner truly dominated and carried the WWE reject Dlo.

I feel USAPW needs to push the Elm Street Kids, Psycho and Rayza. USA PW needs to establish a Hardcore Death Title.

Beware of Sean the Mic McCaffrey at upcoming shows when he is drunk. He has the habit of giving you a tremendous headache and will annoy the fuck out of you. You have been warned. Here is proof of Sean Drunk. True story. ICW two weeks ago, Im about to sit down after grabbing a watered down beer. This fucking dumb ass Sean pulls the chair out from under me, and I bust my ass as I drop my beer. Yes laugh, funny I know.

The ICW show just had no chemistry. Plain and simple. No explanation required. Looking foward to seeing the chair swinging Freak Balls Mahoney vs Louie in a Hardcore Match. This match will be stiff and bloody. Im a fan of Louie, but Balls will decapitate you, Louie. I see Balls to dominating and winning this match. Good Luck Low Life Louie, you will need it, bro.

Now onto basic bullshit. The message boards. They have gotten just plain ridiculous. Retarded, plain and simple. Its a fucking retard convention at USA PW and DOI message boards. Its been tasteless and disgraceful of late.

The Masked Maniac is the King of the NY Indies and Hot Lines.

As for current shit. Sean the Mic is still an alcoholic bum. Word life.

Mike Zevon, the 5 foot assassin keeps DOI TV alive. Look for Kane too soon.

Good luck to a fellow Wack Packer Brian Myers in your journey to Critical Mass Pro Wrestling. Best of luck to you in the future with Pro Wrestling.

Joel Grayson the Wizard knows too much about wrestling.

Okay cheap plug time. The first ever DOI bus trip in accommodation with the Black Hearts is coming up soon. August 16th. Email Sean the Alcoholic Mic at bullsmc@aol.com for more info. One more cheap plug go to the one and only updated daily website the DOI. http://www.declarationofindependents.net Check out DOI TV. Take a stroll trough Queens with the DRS, EC Negro, and KC Blade.

One last cheap plug, Manslaughter is an excellent artist who can create Shirts, Tights, Designs for you. Check out his website here: http://www.burning-spirit.com/manslaughter

Im out people. Till next time go suck some mooseballs and lick my ball sack.

And now a word from Penny Dreadful

Some Weird Girl Semi-Uncensored with Penny! (Im child friendly)

Well, Fat Bastard asked me my opinion. Yes! This time I was actually asked for it, so you cant say squat! He asked me about Usapro and wrestling in general. Well, what can I say that wont get me in serious trouble! Hehe. Nah, I have no complaints with Usapro. One of my favorite things about it is how Mr. Goodman gives the newcomers and trainees a chance to work for the biggest promotion in the NYC area. There really aren't any places to train or wrestle at around here, so I think its great that Usapro put together a training facility, and created ticket seller matches to give everyone a chance. Although in the matches where its fresh new guys wrestling each other, I think in a way its the "blind leading the blind". Then you have to deal with everyone complaining about how they hated the ticket seller match. Its not easy to put together a match with someone, when neither of you have really put on a match before. But what do I know really......

Usapro entertains me while WWE does not! WWE makes Penny sad! So much talking, so little wrestling. *Cries*. They have so much talent on their roster that we never get to see. Mostly because they've dug themselves into a hole of storylines, that they cant seem to find a place to put certain people. Why cant anyone just wrestle no questions asked? I'm mad they have this fetish for big beefy guys. Give twerps a chance! They gave Zach Gowen a chance. I loved the video montage they put together about how he lost his leg to cancer and got into wrestling. A line in Zachs final statement was "I'm not a freak to be exploited". But....that's EXACTLY what they are doing to him! If he had both his legs, WWE would never have given him a chance despite how talented he is, and how much people like him. He's a small guy, with no real gear or gimmick, and WWE hates that. By hiring someone with a handicap, it makes them look good, and they can exploit him to make their money. He's a dollar sign, not a person.

WWE has just gotten too weird for me to watch. I always said its turned into a big circus, and all they need is Doink the Clown. I guess they listened to me, because they got him back! The term "Sports Entertainment" has really gotten away from them. When they find a good thing, they milk it to death until you are sick and tired of it and have to throw it away. Its a waste of talent. I don't need to see Sable make out with Torrie. Id rather see Sable wrestle Torrie (not in a bra and panty or gravy pool match). It probably wont be that great, but Id appreciate the effort more than anything. I guess when you're the only option on TV, you can afford to take certain liberties and risks. Although how much further can their ratings and stock drop before it just becomes unredeemable?

"WHAT?!"
"An idiot says what?"
"WHAT?"
"SEE! I told you so. Please, get your hearing checked"

This has been a message from Penny Dreadful! Im sorry! Don't yell at me! Wait Im not sorry, and Id do it again.

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