What up all you DOI-ites and welcome to a special McTape Review. Tonight, I will be reviewing 1999’s “Heroes of Wrestling” PPV. This is the infamous PPV known for a drunken Jake The Snake Roberts. Well, I figure I’m drunk right now, Jake’s drunk, the promoter must’ve been drunk to run this shit, so welcome to this drunken McTape Review.
Special thanks to Adam Dolan for getting me a copy of this tape, I really appreciate it. This show is somewhat an indy tape, as it was just a one shot deal, and not really a major fed, but then again, not something you’d classify as an indy. All I gotta say is that Bob Stone, the guy running it, had to get fucked in the ass financially with this.
Heroes of Wrestling
Summer 1999
Announcers: Dutch Mantell, who must’ve been drunk too, because for someone who’s been in the business so long, the commentary was fucking atrocious, and some fucking mark named Randy Rosenbloom. Randy must’ve been related to Keith Rosenbloom as he didn’t know shit and blatantly fucked up moves the whole night. (Example, calling a dropkick a legdrop, calling a wrist lock a shoulderbreaker and lots of more stupid shit)
Attendance was announced some absurd number, but on tape, it looked like a 1000 people.
The Samoan Swat Team - Fatu & Samu beat Fantastic Tommy Rogers and Rocker Marty Jannetty
Marty Jannetty wasn’t looking too hot in this one, and had that “I am wrestling for food” look. Samoans got lots of heat from the crowd, meaning that they got it because they were the first match or they were doing a good job. I think it’s a little of column a and column b. Why was Jannetty and Rogers teaming? Jim Neidhart was on the card, so they could’ve put Jannetty with Anvil and call them “We’re not Bret and Shawn.” Hell, they could’ve put them against each other and ran a 1997 Montreal Angle for shits and giggles. It would’ve been fucking better than most of the shit on this craptacular show. Anyway, Samoans win after get this, what the announcers are calling a Samoan drop. (It was a diamond cutter by Samu.)
We cut to the back with some bunghole loser who must’ve either been sucking major fucking schlong for a spot or was related to the promoter. Either way, he didn’t have a god damn clue. This twit is with “Sensuous” Sherri Martel (Because she was never called “Sensuous” before) and George “The Animal” Steele. Apparently, Sherri and George are a couple. Hmmm… only a 20 year age difference here. Just the fact that Sherri and George were a couple in this made me want to pass gas. Retarded angle. They talk about their upcoming match with “The Couple Splitter” Greg “The Hammer” Valentine. Yipfuckingee.
Greg “The Hammer” Valentine pinned George “The Animal” Steele w/Sherri Martel
Match sucked donkey cock. Here’s the whole match. Stalling…..stalling….stalling. Animal eats turnbuckle. Sherri turns on Steele. Gives foreign object to Valentine. Valentine pummels Steele. Close up camera shot of the varicrose veins in Valentine’s ass. Sherri cheats and hits Steele. Valentine pins Steele. George is angry. Announcers want a rematch that will never happen due to the 8.4 million dollar loss this PPV is taking. I go to beer #13. I wince that I have to review this match later on.
POSTMATCH: George throws Sherri over the top rope, in probably one of the best “bumps” of the night. Sherri leaves with Valentine. Crowd returns after a piss break.
Too Cold Scorpio beat Julio Fantastico
Julio Fantastico is better known as Julio Dinero. Best match on this show. 2 Cold really got a beer belly thing going on in this. Dinero, at the tim, was on the cusp of breaking out as a legit indy star. Pretty good match here. While it wasn’t either mans best match, it stole this show, wrestling wise, but not entertainment wise. We all know what was the entertaining part. Scorpio hits the tumbleweed from the top rope for the decisive pin fall victory.
Captain Lou Albano was named Heroes of Wrestling commissioner. Lou goes fucking nuts, and I mean fucking nuts. He goes on a 5 minute tangent about Heroes of Wrestling, the promoter and it’s just ridiculous. If you’re like me, and enjoy bad wrestling angles and can find a positive in anything, even bad wrestling, you’ll love this. I thought I was a fucking drunk, but Albano had me beat tonight.
TRUE STORY: Me and my boys met Captain Lou at a bar one night in Penn Station, around 1998 or so, after an MSG House Show. (When the Vince McMahon vs Steve Austin feud was hot) So we’re all drinking in the bar, underage by the way, and all of a sudden, the McBladder got full. So I gotta take a leak. I go into the bathroom of Charley O’s, and I hear this drunk singing “Leila” by Eric Clapton.
(“You got me on my knees…. Leila”)
I am pissing on the floor instead of the urinal cause I was drunk and laughing like an animal. I finish up and go to wash my hands. Lou gets out of the stall and stops singing. I, drunk off my ass, say, “What up Super Mario?” Lou laughs and says “you’re a good kid.” I mark out, cause Lou called me a good kid. Lou washes his hands and throws the paper towel on the floor and kicks the garbage can. Now, I will never forget this part. He goes to push door open, but it’s a pull door. He plays with it for what seemed 5 minutes, but in reality, was more like 10 seconds. I open the door, and he says, “gooooooooood job son.” I crack up and have a story for the rest of my life. I then drank more with my boys and passed out on the train on the way home.
Sad thing is, that story was more entertaining than 90% of this PPV.
The Bushwhackers (Luke and Butch) beat The Iron Sheik and Nikolai Volkoff with Nikita
I guess the promoter wanted the fans to be drunk, as this is the only way you’ll enjoy this shitfest. This match was a disgrace. The Iron Shiek couldn’t fall down, so when he took the pin, he sat down, then laid down. This match was so bad. Nikolai’s flabs made Ric Flairs chest look like Scott Steiners. Oh my god let me forget this match in my drunk stupor. Bushwhackers win, when Nikolai accidentally hits his own partner with some object wrapped in tape. I fart on this match.
Tully Blanchard beat Sweet Stan Lane
PREMATCH: Stan Lane attacks Tully, and throws him in a Limo trunk.
This match was pretty decent, and both men looked like they still could go at a fulltime rate. Pretty good wrestling in this one too, considering what else was on. Stan Lane still has it, and had the crowd against him. Blanchard’s promo about the limo attack was fucking money, and his promo was better than 90% of what is out today. The finish was mad weak, as Stan back suplexed Tully, but Tully moved his shoulder at what was supposed to be the last moment, but in reality wasn’t, for the double pin spot, where the attacker got pinned instead of the victim. Um… why are we doing screwy finishes on this PPV?
Abdullah the Butcher versus One Man Gang ended in a double DQ Do you like blood? If so you’ll like this one. Call me biased, but I’d rather watch Low Life Louie wrestle hardcore as he actually bumps in his hardcore matches. Total bumps in this match: 2, both by OMG. Here’s the whole match: Both men rake each others skin with a fork. It gets out of control. Double dq. Again, what’s with these wack finishes on this PPV? Abby winning cleanly would make the fans happy and make sense. Are we really protecting OMG for a future show? LOL
A promo aired of Cowboy Bob Orton cheating at cards with Albano and Jimmy Snuka. Let me spell this out. It was r-e-a-l-l-y b-a-d.
We then cut to the Commissioner, who manages wrestlers, Capt. Lou Albano with Jimmy Snuka. Snuka looked like a vegetable, as he just stared at the camera and looked like he wanted to go to sleep. I am a big fan of the Superfly, but he didn’t look “heroic” to me.
Jimmy 'Superfly' Snuka beat Cowboy Bob Orton
Really boring match, which saw Orton work Snukas arm the whole match. Normally I would say that’s good psychology, but Orton had an armbar on Snuka for no joke, 6 minutes out of the 10 minute match. Snuka wins with a Superfly Splash, after Capt Lou distracted Orton. No offense, but Eckos vs Snuka from SSCW, was a way better match than this.
Now the moment you’ve been waiting for:
Let me first say, that I was a huge Jake “The Snake” fan growing up and always respected Jake’s wrestling and psychology abilities in the ring. A lot of people find it sad that the wrestling business turned him into a substance abuser, but do you know what, there are substance abusers in every job from teachers to lawyers from actors to garbagemen, so I think it’s a copout to blame the wrestling business for a substance abuse problem. Every profession has a few people who dabble with the funny stuff, and abusing substances is the choice of the individual, not the individuals profession.
Onto the interview…
Jake “The Snake” Roberts with Damian shows up with that bunghole loser interviewer. I’m telling you, get this tape for this promo and the match following alone. Jake is fucking more drunk then me at a USA Pro Show. Jake talks about Jim Neidhart, who is his opponent. He talks about card games and outsmarting Anvil. “You wanna play blackjack, and you got a 21. Guess what I got a 22. You want to play Backgammon, I got 2 of those too.” The bunghole interviewer looks seriously shocked, but then again, I’m sure anyone in his position would be shaky, as no one knew what Jake was going to do. Jake talks more about gambling and how he always cheats. Jake talks about Damian. The camera closes-up on Damian. Jake has enough of the close up, and says hey asshole, up here. The announcer immediately goes back to Jake. Jake talks insensible for a bit more, and this crazy yet humorous interview ends with Jake trying to get the crowd to chant D!D!T!
Jim Neidhart vs Jake “The Snake” Roberts went to a no contest.
Neidhart comes out first and waits for Jake for a few minutes. Jake comes to the ring, puts Damian in the corner, then goes back to the entrance ramp. He takes his shirt off and comes back out. Jake is staggering around. Neidhart looks shit scared and doesn’t know what to do. Neidhart tries to control the match but there is no control of Jake. You gotta see this match. Jake goes for the DDT, but Anvil is like fuck no playa, I aint letting you fuck around with my neck. He gets out of it. Anvil looks really scared. I gotta say this, Anvil is a true pro and handled this situation well. He was able to stall and able to make Jake sort of look like a wrestler, despite Jake, in black sweatpants and looking for a bar, not a match. Anvil is able to fend off the drunk Jake. Anvil rolls out of the ring. Jake takes Damian the snake, who was slithering out of his bag and shows him to the crowd. Jake then jerks off the snake and pretends that Damian is his cock. He starts jerking Damian some more. Finally, King Kong Bundy comes out to try to save this abortion. Bundy watches for a bit, but realizes that Jake is in no condition to continue. Jake, who realizes that Bundy shouldn’t be there, gives Bundy the bird. Bundy gets in the ring and double teams Jake with Anvil, as both men try to keep Jake grounded. Yokozuna then comes out. This match ends in a no contest, and became:
King Kong Bundy/Jim Neidhart d. Jake The Snake/Yokozuna
The original main event was announced as Bundy/Yokozuna. It never happened due to Jake. Unfortunately, in this tag match, Bundy and Yokozuna only locked horns for 10 seconds in the match. Call me a fuckin mark, but I would’ve actually liked to see these two large monsters go toe to toe. Some bald guy comes out, who the announcers call Mini-Bundy. He must’ve came out to give the sober wrestlers a message. All three men get out of the ring. Jake walks around the ring and just falls down. Now that was sad and not funny. I mean, I’m a fan of drinking and all, but that was the point where you really realize that this is fucked up. Jake just walks in the ring and just fucking falls man. Damn. Jake gets up and goes outside. Anvil hits Jake twice with a chair, but Jake no sells it and gets up. Bundy, who must’ve been pissed that his match with Yoko was shitcanned, SKULLFUCKS the hell out Jake with a chair and hit him really fucking stiff. Jake who must’ve been so intoxicated that he didn’t feel it, comes back in the ring. Anvil goes to work on Jake’s legs, but Jake’s boots fall off. The guy didn’t even tie his boots. Jake makes the tag to Yoko. Bundy splashes Jake. The ref fast counts Jake, who is the illegal man, to end this tragedy.
POSTMATCH: Bundy and Neidhart leave immediately. Yoko gets MiniBundy and lets Jake punch him. The show goes off the air.
FINAL MCWORD:
Must see for the Jake stuff alone. This is the worst PPV I’ve ever seen, and I’ve seen all the WWE PPV’s this year. Bad wrestling and angles are all over this, which makes it somewhat entertaining. Like I said, I’m all for getting blitzed, but when Jake just fell, the laughs turned into sympathy. Definitely the worst show I’ve seen, but a tape worth having in your collection for what will always be remembered as Jake getting drunk.
McEpilogue: Bob Stone and his “Heroes of Wrestling” promotion never ran again. In fact, their website was sold to an indy promotion. I think it’s safe to say that you’ll never see this promotion or Bob Stone again.
Sean “The MiC” McCaffrey
Send email to The MiC at bullsmc@aol.com