EBW MAYHEM

Please be warned that the following contains some profanity, so don't let the kids read it lol.

After being harassed endlessly from Brett Mathews and Keith Rosenblum, I present to you the McTape Review of EBW, as they presented “Mayhem.” Check out the past EBW reviews under the Reviews/McTape Reviews section of the DOI site. EBW is a backyard fed, and while it’s technically not indy wrestling, it’s something different, and I’ll support it, because I’m a drinking fan with a wrestling problem. Shit, if these guys get hurt, because they are untrained, it’s no hair off my ass lol. Anyway, onto the review, as EBW presents “ULTIMATE MAYHEM”, which took place on June 2nd, 2003.

We start off with Jon E. the owner, who is getting interviewd by Paulie B. Jon E, if you checked out the other reviews, always puts himself all over the shows. I don’t know if it’s an ego thing or if he watched too much WWF Tv during the Austin-McMahon feud. Anyway, Paulie B asks him whose corner will he be in. Good job Paulie, whose corner of what match? Big Bird vs Elmo? I guess you’re supposed to assume he’s talking about Bret Matthews/Justin Sane as that was the big feud going into this. Jon E says “Egomania is running wild around here.” No shit, you’re on the show the whole time. Jon E. says it shouldn’t be like this, and that Justin Sane and Bret Matthews are wrestling loser leaves EBW match, and that he doesn’t want it to end like this. Well I didn’t want to watch Jon E. 41 minutes out of an hour show last time, but I did, so deal with it lol. Jon E., although I ragged on him, did a good job of putting over this match.

We go to a vignette of Justin Sane/Bret Matthews when they were tag titles. This is fucking great ,no joke at all. This vignette was very well done, someone must’ve got an A+ in audio/visual class, as this was superbly done. Good way to hype the match too, as while most of the wrestlers are the shits in EBW, I mean they aren’t really wrestlers, but these two, are on better level than everyone else. Shit, at least they wear singlets, and try to look like wrestlers. Again, this promo is very well done.

Cut to the announcers who are Jerry Daponte and Rage. I don’t know if it’s sad or not that I know this. They run down some matches, and we cut to another interview. Come on let’s see some wrestling, not talking.

Paulie B. is with Chris Sweeney. Chris Sweeney is talking about his US Title match. This promo sucks more cock than a cheap hooker.

Cut to a promo with The Franchise. Franchise needs a hair cut. The belts look good at least, too bad this promo wasn’t. He is going to knock out Chris Sweeney. Ok then.

For the EBW US Championship
The Fallen One (LOL n-word please) Chris Sweeney vs The Franchise (another n-word please)
It doesn’t help when the names they have are very similar to others. Jimmy James is the ref. I must make fun of his appearance. He looks like he just got into the guiness book of world records, for the person holding the most babies in his stomach at one time. Damn man, are you having octoplets? It looks like 8 kids are gonna pop out of him any time. Anyway, Chris Sweeney looks like crap in an arm bar. Franchise is moving at a quarter of a quarter speed. Even the announcers mention this. Both wrestlers get knocked down. Jimmy James starts a 10 count, but the wrestlers laugh as he pronounces the numbers. Chris Sweeney looks absolutely horrible. Not a good match to start off a tape. Jimmy James is again struggling counting to 10, as both guys get knocked down. Chris Sweeney would benefit from eating, as he’s 89 pounds. The announcers crack on Jimmy James horrible counting skills. Jesus, this guy counts the whole match. Someone gets body slammed, and he’s counting. LOL, the announcers rule, as they keep cracking on Jimmy James. Someone get me their autographs. This match is br-utal. Franchise might be decent with training, but the other guy, ah not the best. Jimmy James is making me sick. He’s has started the 10 count 745 times in less than 5 minutes. Someone gets clotheslined, and he’s starting a 10 count. He should worry about not having his water break in the ring, then counting to 10 every 4 seconds. Franchise goes for the super diamond dust, and it should be really called Super Dusty, as it looked like Dusty Rhodes was doing it. OH wait, they say it’s a last man standing match. No wonder this pudgy ref is counting all the time. It would’ve helped if they announced that before hand, but I guess making fun of the refs voice is more important. (I’m serious) Franchise gets up at 9, to win this shit-fest. He immediately falls back down, well that’s good , as he is giving his opponent some props, so good job by The Franchise (Not Shane Douglas). Jimmy James has trouble bending down to hand Franchise his US Title. He really shouldn’t be moving so much when he’s about to give birth any moment. Both guys embrace post match, in a sportsmanship type maneuver. Franchise still needs a hair cut.

Paul B is interviewing Justin Sane about his retirement match with Bret Matthews. Again, great way to build the main event. And wait, Jon E isn’t even in this promo! Justin Sane talks about his Egomania championship. Justin Sane drops the f-bomb in this promo. What the fuck, you shouldn’t be fucking cursing in your fuckin promo lol.

Paul B is interviewing G-Slice and his partner, Mike Extreme aka the team of Mad Evil. Both sound like they are stoned. They look stupid.

For the EBW Tag Titles
Mad Evil- Mike Extreme and G-Slice vs. Ted Vescia/Ted Vengeance
G-slice and Mad Evil are supposed to be drunk, instead of stoned, as they throw an empty bottle away. They look more dumb than drunk. Jimmy James again is our ref, and he looks like 400 pounds in clothes for someone who is 100 pounds. Oh wait, that is what he exactly is. Jesus, that belly is about to burst in that shirt lol. This match starts off with basic lock ups. Jimmy James blows up about 2 minutes into this match, as he has to check up on submissions. The announcers continue to rag on Jimmy James, someone give them the Oscar for announcer. This match gets real sloppy real fast, and the announcers again acknowledge the quality of the match. Vengeance hits a kip-up for no reason. Nice. If it wasn’t for Jimmy James lackluster performance, I would fast forward this. Vengeance/Vesica at least look like wrestlers and want to be serious about it, as the other two look like slobs. G-Slice with a What the fuck was that leg drop from the top. Damn this Matthews/Sane match better be good, cause this sucks. Jimmy James looks like he’s gonna take a nap, after watching some of their “mat wrestling.” Vesica/Vengeance hit a version of the old Demolition finisher, which G-Slice kicks out of before 1. Good way to sell it asshole lol. HOLY FUCKING SHIT! Venegance hits a spinning twisting moonsault pinfall splash. Wow that was really good and very memorable. Best move I ever saw from a backyard fed. The announcers still shit on Jimmy James, and rightfully so. Vengeance hits a 450 splash on G-Slice to pick up the pinfall victory, and to retain the EBW Tag Titles with his partner Vescia. Vengeance at least made this match watchabe at the end.

Paul B, is back with Mikey who is talking about his 3 way match. This promo fucking sucks. I’m gonna hurt you, is said at least 34354 times. Thanks, I get the point.

Cut to the announcers, as they hype up the next falls-count-anywhere match.

Tav E. is with his belt. This promo is not that bad. He talks about Stammel, who is the 3rd person in this match, but no where to be found. This promo was 8897 times better than Mikey’s. This is for the EBW World Title, at least Tav E. said it, because no one else did. I guess everyone else knows about EBW and doesn’t have to be told lol.

For the EBW World Title
Tav E. vs. Mikey vs. Stammel
Match starts off with both guys double teaming up on Mikey. Not one guy in this “World” title match looks like a wrestler, nor wears any clothes like a wrestler. It’s hard to take this seriously, if the look isn’t serious. Again, this is a falls count anywhere match, which means Jimmy James will lose 10 pounds by running all over the place. Stammel hits a nice twisting suicide dive from the ring to the floor on both men. Mikey is breathing like a porn star after that move. Stammel hits one of the worst body slams I’ve ever seen onto Tav E. Jimmy James looks at the camera, giving a why the fuck did he try to body slam him look. The southpaw ref gets a 2 count, as Tav looked like he had the win. Stammel hits a good looking double DDT. Mikey has Tav laid out for a pin, but instead decides to choke him, probably not the best ring psychology you’ll see. I’m pretty impressed with Stammel, if it wasn’t for that bodyslam, he’s looking perfect. Go to a school, you got some raw talent that can be utilized with training. Nice, a triple sleeper hold. Looks good. One of the problems that EBW has, is that there is no crowd, to cheer/boo this, and everytime a big move is hit, both guys are laid out for 4 minutes. Jimmy James tries to stop a low blow, but this is a no dq falls count anywhere match, and gets ignored, like how everyone else ignores Jimmy James at shows lol. Mikey powerbombs Tav E, and in a disgusting display, we see Mikey’s plumber crack. Stammel then powerbombs Mikey, and throws out his back in the process. We see a belt shot by Mikey to Stammel, and it has no effect what so ever. This match hits some dead time with some brawling. Stammel is the best wrestler in this match, as he makes his opponents look better by taking their offense. Mikey hits the tugboat splash on Tav E, but Stammel breaks up the pinfall. Mikey gets swamp ass, and that’s disgusting, but way too visable, someone should talk to the camera man. Mikey and Tav double team on Stammel with a double front suplex. The match really hurts when Mikey and Tav wrestle against each other. Nice double clothesline tho by Mikey and Tav. Stammel is now up to capitalize, but only gets a 2. Jimmy James takes a McDonalds break. In a totally choreographed move, we see a double german suplex. Too long to set up. This is the difference between pro wrestling and backyard wrestling. Mikey gets a table set up. IT is totally homemade. It would get a D in shop class. The announcers even crack on the table. It looks like a kindgarten arts and crafts project. LOL HOLY SHIT, the table breaks as Stammel gets placed on it. LOL way too funny. Mikey then splashes Stammel through it. That’s great. Ok time to end this match, nothing will top the table breaking when a 90 pound wrestler gets gently placed on it lol. Stammel hits the Stammel driver on Mikey. Announcers make a great point that Stammel is the smallest in the ring, and doing all the power moves. The announcers have really improved from the last 2 tapes I saw. Tav goes for the chair shot on Stammel, but Stammel does a Van-Stammelinator. HOLY SHIT, Kevin Matthews is gonna love this. Stammel does that move, that Jimmy James was trying to do at the Elks, but not at Jimmy James speed. You gotta see this lol. Stammel gets the win after that move, which consists of him holding Tavs arm sliding in between and hitting a back slam. Stammel gets the pinfall, and becomes new EBW Hardcore Champion.

POSTMATCH: HOLY FUCKING CRAP ON A STICK! Tav E, throws Jimmy James to the ropes. Someone said to me, “Sean, how can you review and watch a backyard fed. It’s not indy wrestling and it’s not good.” Well my answer to this, is that bad wrestling can be really fun too, and I see a lot of good stuff, and it’s funny to see the bad stuff. Sometimes it’s even more entertaining. Well this one of these moments. Tav E. whips Jimmy James to the ropes, and he doesn’t even hit them, as he goes and just turns around, like he’s wrestling with his friends out in a schoolyard, and pretending there are ropes there. Note to Jimmy James, there are ropes in the ring! Anyway, after totally fucking that up, Jimmy James shoots back, and takes a big boot, ala Hogan from Tav. Problem is this. Jimmy James puts his hands in front of his face 3 seconds before he’s gonna get hit, and just falls down, as Tav E. puts his leg up and hits air, as James is on the floor already. This is too good. I had to rewind that 5 times, and I’m still laughing, this tape has been great to cure my hangover, as I’m cracking up left and right. Tav. E then hits a TKO on Stammel. Good way to steal Stammels heat.

Paul B is with Bret Matthews. Bret cuts promo using a deep pubic voice. Bret also IM’s all the time to watch this, and you know what, this is a good promo. Good way to put over the main event, once again, as this is the match that is supposed to give EBW some backyard credibility. Bret Matthews talks to a mirror, advancing his “ego” character.

THE MAIN EVENT
A retirement match between former tag team champions
Bret Matthews vs. Justin Sane
Justin Sane is the ego-mania champion. Both these guys wear wrestling gear. Jon E is on the commentary, making sure he is on the show. Well at least this is only his 2nd time on the show. Jimmy James looks like a fat penguin. He also walks like one lol. Decent mat wrestling to start. Jon E is not cut out for announcing, the other guys are pretty decent. Maybe I’m just a fan of the sarcastic comments. Sane puts Bret in a bear hug then front tosses him. Justin Sane pushes that troll Jimmy James around. In an OH MY GOD spot, Bret Matthews rifles Justin Sane with a kendo stick as he was going for a splash off the top to the floor. The only problem, is that this happened to early. No building up to the spot. Still looked good. Bret Matthews brings out the toys, such as a ladder, a chair, and a “table.” Too much too fast. Sane dropkicks a chair in his face. Justin Sane gets neckdropped onto a chair. Again, 4 minutes into the match, and the tyos are being used way too fast, with no presence at all. Matthews drills a ladder into Sane’s gut. Again this is a retirement hardcore match. This match has all the wrestlers watching it in the background, selling the importance. Justin Sane hits a nice elbow drop onto Mr. Matthews. No word if Kevin Matthews is related to Brett Matthews. Justin Sane whips Bret into the ladder, but it’s reversed, Bret then hits the HBK/Razor ladder front slam. Justin Sane gores Matthews through the table but from the backside. Nice looking. Justin Sane is the best all around wrestler on this roster. Jimmy James goes to the floor, when the action spills out, and James trips over the ropes. Jimmy James looks clueless. Both men go for the bell, and in a funny spot, Bret checks his hair in the mirror, but in a sweet spot, Sane breaks the mirror over Matthews head, then powerbombs him through the announcing table. That was pretty cool. Oh shit, Matthews is lacerated in the back of the neck. Jesus, thinking about it, he could’ve really got fucked up, but he is still wrestling for the 3 people watching this. This match is getting good though, as it’s brawling all over the backyard. Watch out for the TICK of doom. Lyme disease sucks. Being busted open in the neck and back and rolling around in dirt can’t be good for the cut. The announcers still sell the match, good job. Matthews back body drops Justin Sane from the ramp through a table to the floor. A piped EBW chant is put onto the tape. I would’ve used it for the mirror spot. Bret Matthews looks like shit as he’s full of dirt, sweat and blood. Kudos to him for still wrestling this match. Justin Sane is going nuts in this match too, even biting Matthews wound. Justin Sane hits the Equalizer. Nice move, I don’t really see it too much on the indies. Justin Sane has Matthews pinned, but lifts his head up at 2. Not a smart move. Where’s the intelligence? Then, Matthews hits a tiger driver, and pins Justin Sane out of no where. Best EBW match I ever saw. Hopefully Justin Sane is going to a wrestling school, because he can make a mark on the indies if he trains. Same goes for Matthews. Along with Stammel, these three, could be legit indy wrestlers. They are very rough and while I’m not an expert, some things need to make sense in the ring, and these guys could learn those tools from a John Curse or from a Striker who both represent the NYWC and USA PRO training schools.

POSTMATCH: Brett Mathews kicks Justin Sane’s ass some more and takes his Ego Title. Announcers put over EBW. Camera pans out as Justin Sane is out on the floor.

FINAL McWord:
As much as I joke and be funny in this review, some guys could make a name for themselves if they go about it the right way. I know some people don’t like that I cover a backyard fed, but I’ve seen a lot of backyard feds, and this is one of the few that try to wrestle, than kill each other with light tubes, barbed wire and knives. The focus of EBW is on the wrestling, not the stupid shit. Jimmy James has been a good sport, and has allowed me to make comments on him, so thank you for giving me the tape to be exposed to EBW’s new stuff, and allowing me to tell you how I see it. You really gotta work on running the ropes and taking bumps though lol. Definitely not on par for an indy show, but def one of the top backyard feds I’ve ever seen. I’m a huge wrestling mark, and I’ll be the first to admit it, so I’ll watch anything, and while I’ll laugh at a lot of it, I always have fun watching EBW and that’s what wrestling is all about for fans, having fun. Some people forget that.

EBW returns soon, in mid-August. Check out www.ebwhardcore.com for the info.
I’m out like a fat girl in dodgeball.
Sean “The MiC” McCaffrey
Send email and feedback to: Bullsmc@aol.com