EBW TAPE REVIEW

What up boys and girls and welcome to another EBW Tape McReview. There was a lot of feedback about the first tape I reviewed a few days back, and I’m sure this one will create some too. Thanks again to Referee Jimmy James who provided me with tapes of EBW action. With that said, let me take you through another hour, but sometimes feels like a year, of Extreme Baldwin Wrestling.

Oh no, not again, out comes EBW Owner, and first graduate of the Vince Russo school of putting the booker/owner over, Jon E. Jon E. answers a cell phone call in the ring. Very professional. Oh wait it’s his lawyer who called him. Maybe it’s about the whole commission shutting their ass down if they found out thing lol. Jon is accompanied by Justin Sane, Mikey and Bret Matthews, who is ripping off at least 3 wrestlers in one in his promo. Jon makes some matches, and the commentators are commentating like it’s a golf game, by speaking very low and in a hush-hush he’s gonna hit a birdie voice. Bret’s promo goes on and on and on. I thought this was Backyard Wrestling not Backyard Talking? Mikey looks like Ox from the old Saved By The Bell shows. Just also have to mention for a backyard fed, the ring, entrance and ramp look very good and professional, too bad the people using them aren’t. The commentators are talking over Justin Sane’s promo, so you can’t hear what he’s saying. Good job of editing lol. I’m waiting for someone to blow an airhorn or something and spice this shit up. This keeps dragging on but finally ends 10 minutes in.

We go to another promo with Ted Vengeance and Vescia. LOL this promo is horrible, Ted's voice is cracking! He must’ve went to the Dexter Weiner school of talking, as there are at least 89087 Ums and Uh’s and Um. They talk about their upcoming match with Tav (The Human Super Machine lol.) At least this is a fast promo.

Ted Vengeance , with a cigarette, which is good for stunting your growth, which is a not a good thing when you’re 150 pounds and stand in at 5’1. v. Mikey w/Jon for his second appearance already on the show. Always glad to see the owner on the show as much as possible.

The ring looks really good, as it has a red mat with a carpet in the middle. Maybe to prevent from all the EXCITING action from raining in on the ring. Or maybe just the rain from the sky. Your referee is Jimmy James who this time looks like a walking carictature of the Pilsbury Doughboy. This is very slow. It’s pretty sad when the referee is more entertaining then the wrestling. Wow this sucks more than a best of Jackie Gayda tape. 5 blown spots in 5 consecutive moves. Referee Jimmy James is trying to get Jon out of the ringside area, while Ted Vengeance has Mikey pinned. This sucks. The ref leaves the ring 2 minutes before that even happened, making it look stupid. The ref chases around the ring, to get Jon out, but finally blows up from that and struggles to get back in the ring. Like I said, I’m having a better time watching the ref than the match. Mikey’s “And-1” shorts are falling down. You don’t have those problems with real wrestling trunks. Mikey hits a powerbomb that Ted Vengeance has to sell, no matter how shitty it looked. Mikey goes for the Ultimate Warrior 1 foot on top pin, but Ted Vengeance kicks out cause he’s got the heart of a champion god damn it!!!! Mikey hits the mikey bomb, which is just a sloppy powebomb. Mikey then lifts him up and hits a spinning razors edge. That looked good. Seriously. Mikey gets the easy pinfall, as Jimmy’s hand hits the mat 3 times. This was more of a squash than anything, and took long to set up. Ted Vengeance didn’t look ½ bad, but was still guilty of sloppy ring work, that trained wrestlers don’t do even on very bad days.

And what’s this another match? Wow no promo!

Here comes the “Fallen One” Chris Dani..er Sweeny. Chris Sweeny looks like a raver. What did Sweeny fall out of, a tree? Out comes The Franchise. LOL. Couldn’t they come up with names that haven’t been done before? Being the Franchise of EBW may not be the best way to get work outside of EBW.

Chris Sweeny vs EBW’s Franchise

Franchise has tights at least. Sweeny has the Jeff Hardy sort of tights. Referee Jimmy James looks like a pregnant dog in heat with that tight shirt, for the DOI readers looking for an image. The wrestling isn’t that awful, but you can see Franchise protecting his opponent, probably cause he’s 3 times the size of him. Wefewee Wimmy Wames is on top of the action and in position in this match. This might be the best match he reffed, as he’s in the right spot, but his hands are on his knees more than a right fielder in little league. Some power moves from the Franchise, and The Franchise even hits the Styles Clash. Looked nice. Some music plays, and Franchise gets distracted, Sweeny hits the front face DDT for the surprise win. This was a non title match, so Franchise keeps his US title, which is only defended in Baldwin, not in the US. Franchise looks like a bloated Cory Matthews when cutting a promo. Franchise can wrestle tho, I think he needs the right opponent.

We cut to the frontyard for a promo with Jerry Diponte and Tav that goes no where, cause you can’t hear it.

Mike Xtreme/G-Slice v. Justin Sane/Bret Matthews (with Jon E for the third Time today. Thank god I was wondering where he was)

Justin Sane looked pretty good last time I saw him. I have since found out that he trained for a little bit. Mike looks he’s going to football practice not a wrestling match. I like how Corporate Corruption have real tights. It makes them look a lot better. For you Jimmy James fans, he looks like a 200 pound, 3 foot skunk, thank god you can’t smell him. The announcers still stink, they don’t add anything to the match at all. They aren’t even talking about the match for the majority of it. I forgot to mention that EBW has fog that comes out when the announcers go through the curtain. Looks good. I just also noticed that Corporate Corruption’s Justin Sane has tassels on his boots, just a cool touch to his gear. Sane is the best wrestler in this match, but he can’t make G-Slice or Mike watchable. WOW! Pyschology! Brett Matthews pushes the rope in, so his partner can reach it easier when in a STF. Really cool. We see some wrestling, and Brett goes for the pin,and it was almost a 3 count, but Jimmy James belly hitting the mat first didn’t count as 1. Mike Xtreme makes the “hot-tag” and hits a good sidewalk slam. Mike looks like The Executioner without the mask. Someone should execute this match as only 2/4 guys seem to have a clue. Justin Sane and Bret Matthews should go to a training school, because I think they have talent to do something on the indies. They look like they take it serious and are the best ones in this fed. Of course it’s a small pool, but I think if they work at it, they have a chance on making a name for themselves around the indies. Justin Sane chokes G-Slice and the ref goes to make the count, only to realize at 2 that he’s being choked, not pinned lol. The announcers say Referee Jimmy James has no control over this match, no shit it’s because the ice-cream truck music is playing. Those baseball gloves with gum in the middle are a steal at a $1.25. This is the best match on the show by far. I really like the tag team of Corporate Corruption, no joke. They are “students of the game.” I love that expression. This match is about 20 minutes long and is pretty solid for a backyard match. Mike and G-Slice are getting better as the match goes on, maybe cause they aren’t thinking as much. Mike hits a banzai drop, it looked ok. He goes for another one, but Sane rolls out of the way. Thank god Jon E is outside and on the camera, what would EBW without him on all the time. Sane is talking with Jon E on the apron, and Bret Matthews gets whipped into him and then wrapped up and pinned by Mike. Good match and good storyline. Bret is pissed about being pinned and pushes Jon. Bret walks away as Jon tends to a fallen Justin Sane.

Vescia vs EBW Champion, Tav-E.

I wonder if Tav-E could be sued for gimmick infringement-E. At least Jon the owner isn’t in this match. Referee Jimmy James is though, and he looks like a before picture for a fat camp commercial aimed at parents. Tav wrestles in Jeans while Vescia wrestles in adidas pants. Tav is the world champ and Vescia is ½ of the tag champs. The commentators call this technical, because of 2 submissions that were hit on early. This match is boring, so the commentators go into a 5 minute plug for ebwhardcore.com and tells you that you can buy official EBW merchandise. I wonder if they have EBW tapes for 1.99, because it would be cheaper to buy that than a blank tape. Haha, I kill myself j/k, seriously tho, this match is getting a little bit better as it goes along. As soon as I say that, Vescia hits a wackass body press from the top.Tav follows it up with a big boot to the intestine. The commentators notice it too, finally adding something to the match. Tav looks like he’s ready to go to work at a construction site then wrestle. Lots of botched up moves/spots after a slam by Tav. Tav gets a fast win out of nowhere after another slam. That came out of nowhere. Both competitors shake hands after the match in a sign of respect.

We cut to a promo with Bret Matthews who says Sane is the reason why they are losing. Sane confronts him, and Sane backs up into the tall grass. Better watch out for those ticks. Matthews challenges Sane to a career vs career hardcore match at the next EBW “PPV.” Best promo I’ve seen in EBW. Matthews then throws Sane through the EBW wooden sign, ala HBK/Jannetty at the barbershop window in 1992. Very good angle. Very emotional and sold the feud and was being built up. Seriously best part of the show, and a good way to close the show off. Fuck, I’m actually looking forward to the match! Just for the record, Jon E was with Sane, bringing his total appearances at 4 times and clocked in at 43 minutes out of a 60 minute show.

Final McWord

A lot better than the first episode I saw. Lot more focus on angles, and this is probably better, because if the people can’t wrestle, let them scream and set up storylines. Corporate Corruption are the best wrestlers in EBW, everything else is crap-mediocre. I’m running out of Jimmy James quips, so if anyone has a few, that means you Kevin Matthews, send me some lol. The tag match was good everything else was unwatchable/forgettable. I really liked the promo at the end. I’ll be back soon with a review of EBW’s First PPV, Mayhem.

Sean “The MiC” McCaffrey
Email The MiC at: bullsmc@aol.com