GIMMICKS

Growing up as a wrestling fan, I did appreciate guys like Million Dollar Man Ted Dibiase for their wrestling skills. I liked watching guys like Rick Rude, Jake The Snake, The Rockers, Rick Martel and others. I liked the action and the way these guys wrestled. Who knows, if Honky Tonk Man didn't refuse to job to Macho Man Randy Savage in 1988, then the Million Dollar Man might've went down as one of the best heels in wrestling history. Guys like Dibiase, Rude and Martel knew how to wrestle first, and portray a character second. That's something I didn't know then, but understand now. The purpose of this column isn't to talk about blending wrestling with character, as that's a whole other topic, but the reason I'm writing this is to profess my love for the gimmick.

While I was fan of the Rockers, Rude, Dibiase and others, I was an equal fan of guys like The Repo Man, Bastion Booger, Giant Gonzales, Knuckleball Schwartz and others. Some might refer to these guys as WrestleCrap, but remember, these guys portrayed a gimmick that they were paid and told to do. I could watch HBK-Bret Hart at Wrestlemania XII and enjoy it, but I could also enjoy Doink The Clown vs Big Bossman just as much. As a life long WWF fan, who doesn't remember the Doink The Clown vs Big Bossman feud that rocked the early 1990s? Oh wait you don't? This is shit I remember. I can remember Doink tying a string from opposite guardrails so when the Big Bossman ran down the aisle, he tripped. I can remember the Repoman repossessing a grandma's watch, and laughing hysterically when it went down. I can remember this Voodoo prince named Papa Shango make the Ultimate Warrior convulse and puke his fucking brains out. While others might say this stuff hurt wrestling, I loved it. And this is what wrestling was all about for me, and for alot of other people. I mean what teenager wasn't down with a guy who burped and farted in all his matches? I would've loved to be a fucking fly in the wall when Vince McMahon said, "You know what. We need a guy who picks his nose and eats it and looks like a fucking slob to wrestle on our new show called Monday Night Raw. Hey get that Mike Shaw fellow and tell him to get gassy in the ring." How the fuck do you pitch a gimmick like that to someone?

So where am I going with this? I could write about the past, but I'll save it for another column. The purpose of this is to look at the indies today. Ring of Honor has influenced indy wrestling alot. Alot of promotions are starting to be more wrestling oriented then ever before. You still have your NWS's that provide family entertainment with good vs evil but for the most part, everyone is worrying about pure wrestling. I think that's fine and dandy, but in my dream world there would be a promotion that would be anti-pure wrestling. Everyone's doing pure wrestling, so like in any business, there needs to be an alternative. And that's where this column steps in. Here I present to you my dream promotion of GYB Wrestling. Or Gimmick Yea Bro Wrestling.

Gimmick Yea Bro Wrestling (GYB) would be the complete opposite of what everyone is doing today. Guys like Chris Daniels, Homicide and AJ Styles would be nowhere near a GYB ring. While every indy promotion are fighting over the same fans, GYB would be for a different set of fans. GYB would look to create it's own fans in its genre. Here I present to you, the top 10 guys in GYB:

10. Mormon The Moron: Mormon The Moron would come to the ring with 5 wives and 20 kids. He would be one of the bigger faces in GYB wrestling. His catch phrase of "Supportin' Aint Easy" would sell many T-Shirts for GYB. Mormon would be on the slow side, so his kids who would range from ages 5-17 would help him win his matches. His wives would bicker on the outside and tell him when he's done wrestling he has to mow 5 lawns and fix 5 sinks. Hilarity would ensue. Of course residents in Utah would be offended, but really, who cares about Utah?

9. Karmine Zabia Sr.: Karmine would be the evil promoter of GYB Wrestling. Not only would he not attend his own shows, he would set them on fire to piss off all his fans. Karmine would be the George Steinbrenner of GYB Wrestling. He would cut promos live via sattelite feed and be the evil matchmaker and book people like Vicious Vin against the likes of The Donky Tonk Man. His T-Shirts, Karmine In My House 24:7 would sell by the truck load. The big payoff in GYB Wrestling would be when he showed up to his own show, only to get beat up by the biggest face in GYB Wrestling. Who would the biggest face be? Keep reading.

8. Dana Dameson: Dana would be the only person in todays indy wrestling to be accepted into GYB Wrestling. A 4'9" racist that packs alot of attitude, Dana would be known for her permiscuous ways. She would be involved in angles with Mormon The Moron where she would have one of his kids but not be married to him, causing hostile emotions between Mormon's wives. Dana would also go after random ethnic people in GYB Wrestling.

7. "The Gameshow Host" Dick Smyley: Dick Smyley, pronounced Dick Smiley, would be one of the cowardly heels in GYB Wrestling. Before his matches, he'd try to get his opponnents to do wild things before wrestling. He'd offer new cars in exchange for victories. He would cut promos about spaying your dogs and cats. He'd hit on random women and tell him he can get them a job as one of his valets. He would be the master of the tongue and be able to talk his way out of any situation possible. His finishing move would be "See You Tomorrow." His matches would have two commercial breaks before ending.

6. Repoman: The Repoman would come out of retirement and sign a lucrative contract with GYB Wrestling. Not only will he steal your car from the parking lot, he'll steal many victories in GYB. All of his promos would consist of him laughing like a hyena while stealing. He'll repossess your heart and wind up being one of the biggest faces in Gimmick Yea Bro Wrestling.

5. Peter Pollock: Peter Pollock would be proud of his Polish heritage. Unfortunately, Peter would be on the slow side. He would call himself P.P. and his catch phrase would be "What you gonna do when P.P. runs wild on you?" Peter would be one of the enhancement talents in GYB Wrestling due to his lack of intelligence. He would tie his shoes together. During dark matches, he would bring out a solar powered flash light. Peter would be involved in the first ever death angle in GYB, when he sadly passes away due to drowning in his screendoor submarine. On the bright side, he'd be repackaged as The Ukranian Warrior, and no one would know the difference because he would grow in a mustache.

4. Smart Mark: The evil internet fan would be one of the biggest heel managers in GYB Wrestling. He would whine about matches not being 5 star and how the wrestlers aren't Japanese. He would bring in random proteges that are pure technical wrestlers to test the superstars of GYB Wrestling. He would carry a Message Board and a Keyboard to the ring. He would help his random technical wrestlers by using these objects over the heads of random GYB Wrestlers. An angle with Dana Dameson making Smart Mark lose his virginity would translate Smart Mark into turning into a normal person and become the commissioner and one of the biggest faces in GYB Wrestling.

3. "The Gay Guy" Lazy Eye: Gay people have become all the wave on American TV. People with lazy eyes are now common place in every occupation, from NBA Superstar Tracy McGrady to the newest addition of GYB Wrestling, "The Gay Guy" Lazy Eye. "The Gay Guy" Lazy Eye would be the referee of GYB Wrestling. The GGLE, would cut killer promos telling people to look him in the eye, but no one would be able to. The GYB Referee would feel up wrestlers while searching for objects before matches. The ref would also make pinfalls away from covers due to his eyesight. The referee would be one of GYB Wrestling's comedy acts.

2. Fecal Threats: The notorious F-E-C-A-L would be a tweener in GYB Wrestling. Lots of angles would be started due to various GYB Wrestlers finding a present from Fecal in their bags and other personal belongings. There would be copycats of Fecal, who would take a shit but NOT in the bathroom on other wrestlers items. Fecal Threats would be blamed starting miscommunication angles. Fecal Threats would be the tag team partner of Urine Threats as they pee and poo their way to the top. Many GYB Wrestlers would claim to beat the shit and piss out of Fecal and Urine Threats, but in the end, Fecal be the one on top of this craps game.

1. Gimmick The Wrestler: An ode to Dexter Weiner, Gimmick The Wrestler is actually copyrighted by Dexter Weiner, so none other than USA Pro Announcer, Dexter Weiner would be the person to portray Gimmick The Wrestler. Gimmick The Wrestler could be anything. He could wear a mask. He could wear glasses and a furry mustache. He could dress up as Mr. Potato head. His finisher the Gimmickblaster would be the most feared in GYB Wrestling. He would be the Hulk Hogan of GYB Wrestling. Gimmick The Wrestler can only be interpreted as what you envision him as. His feud with the evil owner Karmine Zabia and his conglomerate would produce numerous gimmick matches such as a Josh Deely on a pole match.

So there you go, Gimmick Yea Bro Wrestling. It would be the only promotion of its kind. Sure there are a full roster spots that need to be created and filled, but in the end GYB Wrestling would be the most innovative concept of its time. Everything would rely on entertainment. Everyone would get over on their personality not their in-ring style. It would either become the XFL of the indies or the AAA of America. Either way, it be the only promotion promoting its style of wrestling- and with everyone doing the same thing, isn't this an alternative worth watching? And that's what takes me to my final point here today- alternatives.

I think it's time for some people to start getting original and branching out a bit. How many times can we see the same wrestlers on every show on the indies? Some promotions are starting to take heed on this and having a little variety. Of course, Gimmick Yea Bro Wrestling will never exist, but the purpose of this was never about Gimmick Yea Bro Wrestling. It's time to invent new ideas, and let creative juices pour into the cup known as wrestling. It might be the only way to attract new fans.

I'm out and I'm spent.

Sean "The giMICck" McCaffrey
BULLSMC@aol.com