Week of June 16 2003

Welcome to the first ever DOI WWE Review. Due to "public demand," we here at the Declaration of Independents are bringing you some WWE coverage. I am Marc Adler, the Editor of the DOI and NOW, officially a Staff Writer. I will be bringing you a weekly update on the WWE and a review of Raw, Smackdown, and PPV Events. I am very opinionated and I am not one to hold back when I have one to share. If you don’t like it, TOUGH SHIT!

Tonight was Bad Blood, a Raw exclusive PPV and, in my opinion, a ridiculous plan. The "E" has announced a Smackdown only PPV for the month of July and are pretty much telegraphing that they will do a joint Raw and Smackdown PPV for SummerSlam, a Raw exclusive in September, a Smackdown exclusive in October, followed by Survivor Series in November which will also be a joint PPV. What they will do after that is anyone’s guess, as there is only one PPV between Survivor Series and the Royal Rumble. They’ve apparently killed the King of the Ring for now. Enough of me whining about this foolishness, on to the PPV results and my afterthoughts.

The night started out with Teddy Long and company coming over to D-Von and explaining the it’s always him having to do the dirty work and pointing out the "D-Von, Get the Tables" command from Buh Buh Ray is exactly that, a command from "whitey."

Dudley Boyz vs Rodney Mack and Christopher Nowinski was an entertaining match with a few cool spots including Teddy Long reminding D-Von about the "command" and providing some sort of doubt in D-Von’s head long enough to stop the regular appearance of wood. D-Von overcame his internal struggle and knocked Teddy Long off the apron, which distracted the referee long enough for Nowinski to clobber Buh Buh Ray with his facemask and pick up the pinfall victory.

Next up was a spin of the wheel to determine what the first event of the Redneck Triathlon was going to be between Stone Cold and Eric Bischoff. A burping contest. The contest began and Stone Cold won what was a ridiculously pretaped burpathon. It was slightly funny and quite entertaining.

The next match was Test vs Scott Steiner for the "managerial services" of the extremely sexy Stacy Kiebler. Now, I have to point out that I’m not in this business to rip on people, but Scott Steiner’s performance at the beginning of this match was downright EMBARASSING. First, he missed the first spot of the match when he jumped from the apron to try to hit Test from behind as he yelled at Stacy. Let me just say that Steiner missed by a SOLID 3 feet attempting a double axehandle. I have to give him a LITTLE bit of credit as he recovered near the end of the jump to shoulder block Test in the ankle causing Test to fall like he was hit over the head with a sledgehammer. Too funny! Then, a couple of minutes later, Steiner hit Test with an overhead belly to belly suplex that almost killed him. It was so abominable an attempt that I refuse to tell you the details of how bad it was. Steiner picked it up after that and fought an okay match the rest of the way en route to picking up the victory after a Downward Spiral. Stacy was happy afterwards, as now she did not have to become, as Test put it Monday, his "whore."

They then cut to Austin and Bischoff, and Eric showed us his selection of "pie" for the pie eating contest that was to be the second leg of their Redneck Triathlon. Honestly, these 4 women were pretty damn hot, and Eric said he wanted to go first, and in return, Stone Cold could choose the "flavor" of pie he was to eat in the event.

Next to the ring was Booker T vs Christian for the InterContinental Championship. This match was exactly what I expected, a typical matchup of highs and lows. All of a sudden, mid match, as the tide was beginning to turn Booker T’s way, Christian decided to take the countout and retain the title. The referee had other plans, however, and informed Christian that he would lose the belt if counted out. Christian then proceeded to reenter the ring and bait Booker T to the outside. Booker T followed, and Christian retreated back into the ring. Booker T went to follow and as he got in the ring, Christian nailed him with a beltshot and the referee disqualified Christian, so Christian retained the title. Excellently done and very entertaining. Good match.

The King, of course, then proceeded to the ring and began to officiate the pie eating contest. After way too much BullShitting and a “Hell Yeah,” Stone Cold announced his choice of whose "pie" Bischoff was to eat. As expected, Mae Young comes out at the usual behest of Moolah, to have her "pie" eaten. Bischoff refused vehemently and said he would rather forfeit. Stone Cold then insulted Bischoff’s manhood and he decided to "eat" Mae’s "pie." Bischoff then kissed Mae on the mouth. He said "okay Steve, it’s your turn." Stone Cold reminded him what "pie eating" is and Mae hit Bischoff with a low blow. She then took her skirt off and exposed herself to be wearing a thong. She then proceeded to hit Bischoff with a bronco buster. Then it was Stone Cold’s turn. Stone Cold then turned to Mae and hit her with a Stunner. He then said he forfeits the second leg of the triathlon and he’ll see Bischoff in the third leg.

Next up was the match for the Tag Team Championship, Kane and RVD vs La Resistance. RVD then hit Kane by accident with a somersault from the inside and producing a situation causing La Resistance to pick up the victory and the tag titles after their version of the High Times, or whatever they call it now. On a side note, I really don’t care what they call it, because all French people can eat me and kiss my ass.

Goldberg vs Jericho was next, in what I thought was the match of the night. Not that it was great, but it was the best pure wrestling match of the evening, if you could call it that. Goldberg tried to spear Jericho early, but would up going through the security railing, injuring his shoulder. Jericho worked on it most of the time and Goldberg finally went over after kicking out of the Lionsault and escaping the Walls of Jericho by hitting a spear followed by the jackhammer. It must be noted that the crowd was decidedly behind Jericho at the end.

Stone Cold and Bischoff were at the wheel again to spin for the third and final event of the Redneck Triathlon. It landed on "sing off" and Bischoff seemed confident, as Stone Cold was looking antsy.

The next match was Ric Flair vs HBK. Randy Orton wound up interfering and hitting HBK with a chairshot. He then pulled the unconscious "superkicked" Flair on top of HBK behind the bumped referee’s back and Flair gained the pinfall when the ref awoke. The match was exactly what I had expected from Flair/HBK at this stage in their careers. Well worked and no real flaws. Good match.

Bischoff then came out and proceeded to sing his entrance theme for the sing off. Stone Cold interrupted him and pointed out that Bischoff was lip syncing. Bischoff then began to TRY to sing his song and it was horrible. On a side note, I think it actually IS Bischoff who sings his own theme music, but this was definitely not his best performance of it. Stone Cold then said he thinks if he would sing it would be a tie because they both suck at singing. He then spun the wheel again and stopped it on "pig pen fun." He explained that the winner would be the one to throw their opponent into the slop. Bischoff said there was no way he was getting into the pig pen they had set up by the stage. Austin then “deputized” every fan in the arena to stop Bischoff if he tried to escape while Austin came to the ring to retrieve Bischoff and toss his ass into the mud. As soon as Stone Cold left the back room, Bischoff "undeputized" everyone and tried to escape. Obviously a plant, an old man stopped Bischoff from escaping, and Bischoff took a stunner from Austin and got dragged up to the stage, where Austin threw him into the pig pen, thus winning the Triathlon. Beers all around, great.

The main event was Kevin Nash vs HHH in a Hell in a Cell match for HHH’s World Heavyweight Championship, with Mick Foley as the special guest referee. You’d expect them to at least go outside the cage or climb it, but none of that happened in this match. The barbed wire wrapped bat was there, as was the sledgehammer, and HHH caught Nash with a chairshot and immediately turned and nailed Foley with the same. A few minutes later, he clobbered Nash with the sledge and hit a Pedigree, and Foley counted 3 like a good "ordinary" ref. Very disappointing for a Hell in a Cell match, but a good match in general. Blood was everywhere and it was unexpected to see HHH retain the title, if that could even be possible at this point in wrestling history.

I will grade PPVs the same each month, so here’s my report card:
Wrestling B
Schtick A-
Fued Culmination B+
Setup for next event C-
Excitement C+
Laughs A+
Overall B+

Now, my overall synopsis of what’s going on in the "E." I’m not happy with the way the brand extension is working out and I do not feel it can improve while things remain as they are. I think the possibilities of crossover matches should be explored and storylines need to be a little more geared towards individual gimmicks as opposed to "who hasn’t fought whom yet." We all know that WWE programming has taken a hit in the past year or so and it’s solely based upon the fact that certain people are bogged down in recurrent situations and too much emphasis is being put on humor as opposed to other aspects of entertainment. I’m willing to give this new alternating PPV idea a shot, although I seriously believe it won’t last past Survivor Series. I’m one of the few people I know who never miss a Raw or Smackdown and that is a serious disappointment considering I know quite a few people in this industry. I think the "E" can rebound with certain moves like bringing back Shane O' Mac and injecting some new life into their shows. For now, this is Marc Adler, Editor of the DOI logging off and I hope you enjoyed my first WWE review and return for more next week! DISMISSED!

 

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