The Real Problem With America: American Football
by Amid Diking
Before I begin I want to address the comments on the message boards about how I sound like a satire writer. Dear message board haters, I am no joke. I'm serious about what I say and I realize that the majority of people will not agree with me but I represent a silent minority of people that must be heard.
Patriotism is shite today. The problem with America is the game we call football. Football must be stopped before it claims anymore victims. "American Football" has infiltrated our society and has poisoned the minds of millions of men (and possibly women as well). From the fans, to the players, and even the referees, football has ruined lives and is to blame for the self-destruction of America.
I assert that professional, college, and high school football, FOOTBALL at ALL levels encourages homoerotic ass-slapping, paralysis, drug addiction, sexual deviation, objectification of women, violence against women, school shootings, racial stereotypes, genocide, illiteracy, and gambling. It hurts Raw's ratings, ruins marriages, destroys father-son relationships, insults Christianity and is a major cause of depression, alcoholism, and impotence. The stupid people right now think I'm crazy, but the facts will back up every single one of these allegations. So lets dissect this plague we "Americans" call "football."
Football causes homoerotic ass-slapping. Anyone who has ever watched a football game has witnessed this atrocity. Men should not touch other men's asses, unless they're going for a colonoscopy.
Football causes paralysis, how quickly we forget the fallen. Perhaps the New York Jets, Dennis Byrd has fully recovered from his paralysis but Antonia Verni is still paralyzed and on a ventilator. Her parents were driving her home from a Sunday pumpkin-picking excursion when a drunken New York Giants fan plowed into her car, forever destroying her life. It's certainly no secret as to why the NFL contributes thousands of dollars a year to find a cure to paralysis. It's because they cause it!
Football causes drug addiction. It should come as no surprise that cocaine and other performance enhancing drugs have been consumed in mass quantity before games and also at halftime. It's a fact. Also consider the steroid and painkiller usage. Want names? How about one of the most prolific receivers in NFL history Jimmy Smith. How about Chuck Muncie, 1975 Heisman trophy runner-up. His career melted from gold to lead, ending in drug addiction and prison time.
Football objectifies women. The cheerleaders. Dumb mindless tits and ass. Great role models for America's female youth.
Football causes violence against women. You might be saying to yourself, "it's not football it's just black people in general that beat their women" but you'd be wrong. Football is male dominated and encourages that "Know your role and shut your mouth" attitude that players and fans alike have towards women. Many a bitch has been smacked because they had a problem with a man watching football.
Football causes school shootings. This comes down to high school football. Football players are given preferential treatment and taught that they are gods among men. It encourages them to pick on those who don't play football, it teaches them that those guys who don't play football are inferior. And the result is simple, angry kids bringing daddy's gun to school and unloading on cheerleaders and football players.
Football causes racial stereotypes. Football reinforces the racial stereotype that black people are physically more proficient than white people and that white people are mentally more proficient than black people. And as for Asians, Latinos and Arabs, well you people suck every which way. The white man owns football teams and the players are modern day slaves.
Football causes illiteracy. Football players throughout high school and college are given a blind eye and passing grades by spineless teachers and professors. Regardless of how stupid and illiterate they are, somehow they mysteriously pass.
Football causes gambling. Gambling on football is a billion dollar industry. Look in the newspaper, any major newspaper and you'll find the over/under and the point spread for all NFL games.
It hurts Raw's ratings. Monday Night Football takes the attention away from legitimate harmless entertainment like Monday Night Raw.
Football ruins marriages. This goes back to how football encourages violence against women because after you hit the bitch she ends up divorcing you justifiably and ends up taking everything you own.
Football destroys father-son relationships. Trust me, you'll never be good enough and he'll insult you for the rest of your life about what you could have been. You'll live to hate him and it'll never go away. Thanks football.
Football insults Christianity and Jesus Christ himself. The NFL has chosen Sunday the Christian holy day to have most of their games. So while you should be at church praying you are instead glued to the television watching mindless Antichrist football.
Depression, alcoholism, and impotence. Need I say more???
We must ban football now.
Yes it's true, the message boards are true. I lean towards the Libertarian side, and even if you don't agree with me and my Libertarian views, you must join with me. Ban Football for the good of America.
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Stay tuned for my next column: The Real Problem With America: Al Gore
I welcome all feedback to AmidDiking@hotmail.com
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