Quick Monday Night "Wars" Thoughts

I'm extremely tired, but wanted to get something up here on the DOI before everything that needs to be said has been said by others. The reason I am so tired is not because I was playing "MLB The Show 2010" (MLB 2k10 sucks!) till 3AM, but because TNA Impact was the most straining thing I've seen on TV in years, and that means something because I sat through Wrestlicious last week!

Dixie Carter & TNA should've been swallowed, or perhaps shot into a tissue. They are a walking billboard for people who back pro-choice. TNA should be aborted. I think Tim Tebow would even agree on that one.

I'm not going to run down the entire show or recap everything. There are other reports on the web for that, but for fuck's sake, that was fucking horrendous.

I feel like I write the same column every time when I talk about TNA, but I still don't get it, and I have to say it again because it sure as fuck applies:

HOW THE FUCK DO GROWN MEN, GROWN MEN WHO SEEMINGLY HAVE COMPLETED THE PUBERTY PHASE IN LIFE AND ARE IN FULL ADULTHOOD WRITE THIS FUCKING SHIT AND THINK IT IS GOOD? HOW THE FUCK DO GROWN ADULTS NOD THEIR HEAD YES AND NOT ONLY SAY "THIS IS GOOD WRESTLING", BUT "THIS IS GOOD TV?" HOW MANY FUCKING YES-MEN ARE IN THIS GOD FORSAKEN COMPANY? IT IS ONE THING FOR THERE TO BE ONE FUCKING MORON WHO SHOULD BE STRICKEN WITH AIDS & CANCER AT THE SAME TIME TO GET HIM OUT OF WRESTLING (VINCE RUSSO), BUT IT IS ANOTHER THING FOR A TEAM OF ADULTS TO AGREE WITH WHAT THIS MORON WRITES!!! VINCE RUSSO IS TO WRESTLING, AS TOM CRUISE IS TO SCIENTOLOGY. HE IS ABLE TO WARP THE MINDS OF NORMAL PEOPLE INTO BELIEVING HIS OWN AGENDA & BULLSHIT! HOW THE FUCK DO GROWN MEN THINK THIS IS GOOD?" Wow, TNA was fucking awful.

I mean how many times can I or any other fan or anyone in the business say the same spiel over and over and over. Everyone wants to see TNA do good because it is good for wrestling if TNA does well. However, time and time again, TNA puts on complete feces on their airwaves. They hot-shot angles. Blow through PPV matches on free TV. They never deliver any sort of PPV rating because they are more concerned about competing in an imaginary war.

I have come to this conclusion. It is extreme, but if you think about it, it has merit.

I believe that Dixie Carter, who is from the south, is a raging meth addict. Who knows, maybe Dixie Carter was a crackwhore who fucked homeless people for drugs. I believe her father, who is loaded with cash, needed to get her off the streets. He did not want to see his daughter turn tricks or suck cock for coke (Shout out Bob Saget). So what Bob Carter decided to do is give his daughter a shit load of money to play wrestling. Bob must've thought that if he gave his daughter what she wanted, it would keep her off the streets, keep her away from prostitution and clean up her drug infested lifestyle.

That is the only thing that makes sense, when trying to figure out what the fuck Dixie Carter is doing with TNA. I know I ripped apart Wrestlicious last week, but Wrestlicious is a promotion ran by a money mark that is not really looking to compete nationally or try to profit through PPV buyrates or by selling tickets. TNA is trying to be the number 1 wrestling company in America, and they'll plug WWE at least 3 times per quarter hour to let you know about it too.

Bob must want to keep Dixie clean, so he just lets her do this to keep her happy and safe. I mean nothing else makes sense. Why Russo has a job is still beyond me. You can see that Russo is trying to feed the egos of the people he's working with. Hogan & Bischoff get 100 segments a show. In the rare opportunity Hogan/Bischoff aren't on the screen, then the announcers or another wrestler is talking about them. Dixie is now a character on the show. Russo must be writing for her so she feels important.

Fuck, the only way TNA will ever get to the next level is if Dixie fires every one on the writing team, including Bischoff & Hogan. Every one is screaming that Paul Heyman would be the savior, but fuck, any mark off a message board, any idiot E-fedder or even the homeless junkie that Dixie may have known earlier in life could put on a better wrestling show and a profitable wrestling product than the shit that was put on tonight. Wrestling fans were served up a hot steamy cockmeat sandwich by the mentally disabled, aka the TNA writing team.

When ever you rip something apart, as a writer, you better be ready to back your opinions up. Well let me explain why I thought this show would make you wish you could trade places with Princess Diana:

- The Knockout Tag Team Titles are stripped. We all know what's going on with Kong right now in TNA. So basically TNA sided with Hogan's faggot bitch, Bubba "The Hogan Cum Sponge". Kong, who was part of the highest ratings in Impact history, as the Knockout division always drew well and most of the time better than the men, is cast to the side. Scott D'Amore was a big advocate of women. Eric Bischoff pays strippers to have sex with him and his dyke wife at strip clubs in Atlanta.

- Starting off with the Hogan/Abyss vs Flair/AJ match wasn't a bad idea, as it set up the last quarter hour of the show. I won't get into why this match was dumb to start with. I mean Hogan/Flair still wrestling is pathetic. I love nostalgia took, but to make them the focus of your company, shit you're going down shits creek that way. AJ being Flair's lawn jockey is even more pathetic.

- Classic Russo: Turn Sting heel. I felt like this was the Goldberg heel turn all over again. When Russo gets desperate he turns people heel. No one gives a shit. That was fucking horrendous. And in the first quarter hour too. Good way to blow through months of angles to pop one quarter hour.

- Sting choking Dixie. Wow that will really show those WWE PG guys! I hope Russo's daughter gets choked. Maybe he'll see why stuff like this looks bad on TV that way.

- I will say the Kaz/Daniels/Williams match was the best part of the show. TNA, the place that focused on the X-divison. Well you wouldn't know that for the rest of the night, as everything else was based on the late 90's. BROOKE HOGAN GOT MORE FACE TIME THAN THE ENTIRE X-DIVISION & KNOCKOUT DIVISION TONIGHT. HOPEFULLY THE NEXT TIME NICK HOGAN GOES FOR A DRIVE, BROOKE WILL BE SITTING SHOTGUN, NOT JOHN GRAZIANO. THAT WILL KEEP HER OFF THE TV.

- But you ruin a great match with transvestite Shannon Moore. Seriously, does Shannon walk around looking like that? He looks like a create-a-wrestler from a Smackdown game. A guy who couldn't even cut it as a Velocity or Heat jobber is now the top contender for the X-title. It must be good to have Jeff Hardy's balls in your mouth.

- The Knockout triple threat tag title match was ok for what it was, but really , two triple threat matches in a row? At least the BP vs Angelina and Tara/Daffney feuds are hot, but you know TNA will fuck that up anyway.

- Desmond Wolfe attacking Elijiah Burke with chains. I guess Dixie took this out of her family history, as this felt like the 1800's all over again with a black man being beaten down by a white man with chains.

- ROB VAN DAM DEBUTS AND BEATS STING IN 5 SECONDS! ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS? This first time ever match, which should be a PPV main event was shot to shit here. Sting then beat up RVD in the most boring 10 minutes with a bat. TNA has all this security that holds back Hogan, but can't get security to get RVD out of there. RVD was fucking buried here. Never have I seen someone win a match look like fucking dog shit. This frustrates me to no end. I think I am going to have hypertension of the heart by even trying to type out how much this didn't make sense and killed business. Really? Hogan goes on every single show in the world and says RVD is the missing piece and how he can turn it around and how he has great ideas for RVD, and this is it? Really? Hogan seems to have the mental capacity of John Graziano right now.

- FUCK! THAT STING/RVD SHIT REALLY HAPPENED! How the fuck did RVD agree to do that? He must've been stoned out of his fucking head to go along with that. And great job by that fat orange midget Taz by blowing the surprise. Taz's insider comments come off like he's some virgin with a 100000 posts on the Death Valley Driver message board.

- Bubba The Hogan Cum Sponge continues to be Hogan's voice of reason. Doesn't anyone in TNA realize how stupid and pathetic they make themselves when they do these promos saying Hogan is too old to wrestle and shouldn't be in the ring? Does this really have to be explained why this doesn't make any sense and is horrendous for business?

- Nice to see 2 50 year old men, Hall/Nash rekindle a rivalry no one cares about. Eric Young beats X-pac in 2 minutes. There is no wrestling on this show.

- DIXIE - GO BACK AND WATCH YOUR SHOW? WHERE TEH FUCK IS THE ACTION? THERE WAS 10 MINUTES OF WRESTLING AND THE REST WAS TALKING. TOTAL NON STOP TALKING. PUT DOWN THE CRACK PIPE, GET RID OF THE YES MEN AND REALIZE THAT YOUR COMPANY HAS MORE SPEECHES AND MONOLOUGES THAN A SHAKESPEARE PLAY, WITH YOUR SPEECHES & MONOLOUGES COMING OFF LIKE THEY WERE WRITTEN BY LUNATICS. SANE MEN DO NOT WRITE THESE SHOWS.

- The Anderson/Angle stuff has been done well up to this point, and if Anderson can not get hurt before the blowoff match, it should be good. However, your retarded announcers are screaming about how secure the building is, but 100 military people can get in easy. I guess Kurt made the assist. It's also not a good idea to put someone as injury prone as Anderson with people who have no wrestling background, as he got shoved in the ring awfully hard several times.

- So much for the Destination X PPV being an X-Division PPV. So much for Kevin Nash knowing how to even pronounce "Des-ti-na-tion".

- Beer Money, your hottest babyface tag team turns heel for no reason.

Vince Russo should have all of his limbs tied up to horses going in different directions. Those horses should be whipped fiercely so one runs north, one runs south, one runs east and one runs west.

Why is Foley just standing there like an idiot? Why is Jarrett still doing this shit? Doesn't he have better things to do, like fuck Kurt Angle's wife? Jill Jarrett passes away after a long battle and less than a year later Jeff is shacking up with Karen. I'm sure the kids priorities and well being were well thought out by Mr. Jeff. Does that situation sound bad? Well it's not as bad as Impact was tonight.

- The main event was horrendous and I was embarrassed to be a wrestling fan. Hogan & Flair can only bleed to get over. Abyss pinning AJ means that AJ retaisn the title on Sunday. Jeff Hardy running out is a great example to set for your company.

I fucking hated this show. I really do want to see TNA do good. They will never fucking get it. It is easily the worst promotion ever in America. If they didn't have a money mark, they'd be out of business. TNA blew through months of angles, PPV matches and earning money all in this one show.

You didn't even have to watch RAW to know that TNA was the inferior program tonight. RAW wasn't great at all, and far from it, but outside of Criss Angel acting like a fag all night, (And that's not a homophobic thing or an anti-gay thing, it is the way Eminem or South Park uses the word fag as a derogatory term, not as a slander for gays) everything made sense. Everything is being built up for a PPV which, check this otu Dixie you dumb bitch, FANS WILL PAY TO SEE. Enjoy your .00000000001 PPV buyrate.

Honky's right, it's only a matter of time before this company goes out and if my theory is right, Dixie will be turning tricks and telling people in the cardboard box how she used to run a wrestling company for daddy.

I know I was a bit extreme in this report, but I am trying to make a report. I really don't wish death on anyone, except for maybe Vince Russo, but only if he dies in an ironic way. I think it would be great if Vince Russo dies because a pole falls on him.

Monday night wars? N-word please. Vince didn't even drag out Bret Hart for this show.

I am posting this at 4am, so I apologize for any spelling/grammar errors. TNA didn't give a fuck tonight, so neither do I.

Sean "The MiC" McCaffrey
BULLSMC@aol.com

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