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What the fuck?????????????? I can't believe this. I was at the bar lasts night drinking to cope, and there would be dudes with jet black hair looking nothing like Doug, but for some reason thought I was seeing my friend. I soooo thought it was a joke that Rob and Joe were playing on me, and I still wish it was. I can't even fucking think right.

Shit, I'm not only cursing up a storm but actually needing to type the words. I wish I had my friend who dressed like a slob in his real baggy sweat pants that he wore all the time with the AJ Styles t-shirt to stand in front of me with the camera so I can make funny faces at him, indirectly through the camera. I want him to tell me another story about how he broke another tooth by eating a soft taco, only Doug would do that. I want him to tell me he will be at my house to pick me up in 20 minutes so we can go out, only to show up 45 minutes later and have some wacky excuse for being late that can only happen to Doug. I want to have another conversation on the phone with him and spend the last few minutes exchanging thank yous for no apparent reason then getting into another conversation about another subject that one of us forgot to bring up and go through the thank you and a good bye exchange again. I want to be in a loud club and look at him and see him do some goofy motion with his arms that means lets walk around and maybe hit up the dance floor.

I want to be at a bar with him and as I'm talking the good game to one girl, Doug is talking to her friend deeply in a conversation about how much he loves his dogs... then hear him say "PEEEAAACHES" in a high voice as if he's calling for her. I want to call the house and leave a lengthy message, long enough for him to hear that its me so he can pick up the phone because that's the way Doug screens his calls. I want to walk into a show and hear him yell "Berkulator!!" and have a good conversation with one of my best friends in the business.

I miss this fuckin guy so much already. I am going to keep on missing him. I cant stop crying, and I don't fuckin cry. I love Doug... and refuse to say LOVED in past tense, because I will always love my friend that so many of us lost. I want Doug back.

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