Settle down, settle down. The Teabaggin' is back and wrestling's number one news site is stepping it up and of course I am always on board when they want the sluggers to come out. It's getting a bit boring out there so I know it's been a long time coming BUT the time has come my little friends to talk of many things, of cabbages, agoraphobia and bad booking that really stinks.

So why not pull up a seat and try and muscle through the attention defecit disorder that is sweeping America thanks to mediums like myspace. I can't be responsible for any heart attacks or for random press releases to DOI but what I can be responsible for is calling like it is. So why don't you kick off your shoes, the kettle is whistling and I can't wait to pull out the finest teabags in wrestling, it's time for the English plums tea. Nice.

We've had all kind's of silliness going down in the indy world since I stopped throwing the sacks of justice on peoples foreheads. Truth is after Billy Firehawk dying it made me take a step back and look at my own health, lifestyle and general direction. I suffer from this cancerous tumor that has been growing in me since I was in high school in London.

I remember when it hit me. It was about 1987 and every Saturday morning, my dear old nan used to watch All Star Wrestling in ITV and I actually thought it was a bunch of old bollocks, I was waiting to get my fix of my soccer team QPR. There were old grannies lumping the wrestlers with umbrella's and it was always some smokey, dingy arena with loads of shrilling and cackling.... Seriously, this was wrestling in the UK in the 60's, 70's and 80's.... Mick McManus, Big Daddy, Giant Haystacks, Catweasle..... oh fuck, Catweasle looked like a fucking strung out crackhead bum who would tickle peoples nuts to thrown them off their game with the crowd loving it. I'd love to see Catweasle pull that one now if he did that in the ring, I'd fucking lamp him so hard.

I remember Dave Fit Finlay getting the worst treatment from the old biddy's. One morning there wasn't the usual episode of British wrestling on the TV but WWF Superstars. I was blown away, good fucking grief, it was something else for me back then, music and suntans and chicks, funny accents. Along with Knight Rider, Chips, The A Team, the WWF was a window into this fantasy land.... turned out to be America. It was like a different universe to wear I existed in London. Comparing Big Daddy and Giant Haystacks to Hulk Hogan and the 'Macho Man' Randy Savage, there was no comparison. I was blown away and then the cancer grew inside and consumed me to this very day where it has helped me make some brave decisions and some mistakes. I don't know how old you are but I'm 31 and I still love my wrestling.

Problem is, it's not as magical as it was. Wrestling has been stripped and made to stand outside in a blizzard. We got the UFC and all the cagefighting companies popping up which has virtually reduced independent wrestling in the southwest of the US to nothing. Even the WWE don't do many shows out here anymore. Since I have been off the beat I haven't seen a god damn thing to tell me that 'minor league' wrestling is gonna bounce back.

I remember racing down to the newsagent in South Harrow, northwest London and grabbing my Pro Wrestling Illustrated and looking at the rankings and seeing these 'other' companies and wanting to know all about them. Wrestling was so much better when there was no internet, but then again the web has given us all an opportunity to be involved, but you got way to many people getting 'involved' and that creates a vaccum for less people to come and watch. We're at the point where you might be able to pop down home depot and create a wrestling company and record it on You Tube and hey presto.... Instant Wrestling Federation.

Since 3PW vanished up it's own ass cheeks, I have been training and working out. I'm 6' 190lbs (200lbs and 6'2" if your bullshitting like most do) and in good shape. I do plenty of weights and can run for miles on deep sand. I am an athlete. I feel that if I'm not 210lbs or at the very least proportioned to look like a warrior, because wrestlers are that, they are all warriors or at least expected to be.... then you have no business getting in that ring. Just because you log onto highspots or hit up EZ Money for some pleather baggy juggalo pants doesn't mean you are the part. If you can't wear a pair of basic Ric Flair or Arn Anderson trunks with pads and boots and walk in front a crowd and not feel uncomfortable, whatever your body shape, then you got no fucking business walking out from behind a curtain. I don't how much air you can get or how many tope con hilo's you can pull off without falling on your fucking head. This business is about wrestling and it's coming back folks. You can feel it.

Even the WWE fans told Vince 'Wrinkly Grapefruits' McMahon that "We Want Wrestling" during the pathetic Rosie/Donald stinkfest. TNA have risen purely on their wrestling but looks like Vince Russo is going to beckon in the era of TNA Skititude. MMA is taking the future fan base of wrestling away and they are giving boxing a hard time to. WWE will always be alright as they have nestled into the mainstream and TNA are trying to set their stall out. Independent Wrestling has to wage a different war now. May I suggest the first thing to my fellow professionals. Get rid of the flyweights and get back to making wrestling an event, fearsome, gladiators waging war not prancing around like fucking boy band members doing somersaults and silly highspots. There are some extremely talented wrestlers out there but there is some serious pork that needs to be cut. I'd like to see some smarter promoting, more communication between different 'companies' and a little more emphasis on image or else we will be in big big trouble in 15 years from now.

The thing I loved about 3PW is that the lad's could all handle themselves. Roadkill was one guy, that if you tried anything on in the ring to 'enhance' the contest he would have no problem turning it up and giving some back and that was REAL and made for a more intense battle. People like Low Ki/Senshi. He's not in the business to make friends, but what a talent to book with his style. You should check out Low Ki/Senshi vs Joey Matthews/Mercury in 3PW. Excellent contest. There is a very fine line between what's real and isn't and companies do not expose it enough when real can generate interest.

ECW....... Last time I wrote Teabaggin' I commented on the product with excitement, they were 2 months in and it was nothing like the original ECW but had potential. What a fucking mess? How embarrassing! What a disgrace. I actually thought The Big Show was OK as a champion, that worked he's a beast. I was so happy that they had some of the old crew like Sabu, Sandman, RVD, Dreamer, Balls, Danny Doring, Roadkill and on and on...... I thought they fucked up the WCW pruchase and wasted that HUGE angle but this was by far and away the most shocking and disgraceful writing I think wrestling had seen on a televised show. Scandalous. Who was really writing that bullshit.... Dreamer? Heyman? Vince? Shane? Court Bauer? John Shane? Who was it....... I can't wait 'till the day Paul Heyman does a shoot interview. If Feinstein ever gets the rights to that he'll make bank. Bobby Lashley is perhaps the biggest joke of a champion I've ever seen. Lovely bloke, looks amazing but when he opens his mouth it's over. DONE. FINITO..... He's such a generic WWE factoryline model that it's not interesting. He could press slam Jabba The Hut and skull fuck Darth Vader and then take on an army of stromtroopers in an "EXTREEEEEME Elimination Chamber" and I couldn't give a fucking fuck. You hear me WWE and the 'Hollywood' writers. ECW reeks of the hot dog shits simmering on an Scottsdale Arizona afternoon in the mid day sun. You suck balls.

I must say though that Kelly Kelly is just lovely. The things I'd do with her in the log cabin on a cold evening by the fire are unprintable. Fair play to Andrew Martin who is doing the honors. He's skewered a few beauties now and deserves the plaudits. Did you get a sneaky sneak of her tits over at WWE.com, small but well shaped and I would love to get my chops down there.

Just when they had got a nice Striker/Punk contest out of the way, and full props to Punk and Matt.... Then we had one of those "eyebrows" up moments and out comes..... Monty 'Marquis Cor Van' Brown.... Dear oh dear.

Marquis Cor Van....... I'm trying to work this out. Brown..... Cor Van... OK they are rhyming that... Monty... Marquis..... Marquis.... hmmmmmm so that was took half the steam out of his entrance and hang on a fucking minute whats that noise..... It's Luther Vandross is it????? No they didn't. They did. They gave Monty Christo Von Brown some fucking soul..... and then it's "Making his way from The Animal Kingdom..."

Fucking hell, I thought it should have been "Making his way from The Magic Kingdom.." TNA is at Disney isn't it? Now look.... I'm from England.... I know that Monty Brown played for the New England Patriots and Buffalo Bills..... So how do they expect American's like yourself to accept that this guy lives in The Animal Kingdom living with wild beasts who like soul music instead of fucking people up in the NFL. Just awesome, Can you imagine when they told Monty that he was now Marquis. Reeks of Red Rooster and Farooq style image making.

Outside of his TNA/WWE clusterfuck of a gimmick, Monty actually look good and made an impace and looked good on the stick. Good luck to him at the mercy of the over stimulated WWE writers who live in some far away land with pixies, fairies and goblins.

You know, whoever is raping the ECW name and writing the goofy shit. Fuck you and fuck your ECW because thats not mine. Sabu never spoke and you just buried him but at least he got decent run for 3 months after 20 years of giving it up for all of us. Little Guido deserved more why Vito is in a fucking dress and not in the FBI is mindboggling. Didn't see Al Snow once, Elijah Burke is not ECW, where's Jazz?

Kevin 'Mordecai' Thorn is a lame gimmick, Mike Knox is not ECW and there is no fucking chance people like Mike Knox fuck the Kelly Kelly's of this world, Rene Dupree calling himself "the most extreme" anything is absolute bullshit and making him do that when he know's it's dumbn and we do and most of all you knuckleheads know it.... Fuck you WWE. Shannon Moore, you have should stayed in TNA mate like I said. Where the bloody hell is Stevie Richards, the 8 years he has been there doing virtually nothing and ECW comes and he's nowhere to be seen??????? Last but not least Tazz, Taz whatever you call yourself.

Once upon a time Taz you were training people and busting folks up. You were shooting on people like my mate DBK and getting into real fucking barney's with Sabu and throwing your weight around as you could being the machine you were. You were awesome. 5' whatever of beast. You were ECW and fair play to you for doing well on commentary in the WWE all these years after your injuries. But Sir, you have become a laughing stock in this new WWECW. During 3PW I asked Joey Styles a lot of advice and I think he is holding his own under the duress of the WWE Dickwads who hook them up to the production lease but he has to be reaching deep for the inspriation to see any legs in this bastardized ECW. But Taz has become a joke. During the Monty Brown Pounce last night he goes "I've never seen that before" and that along with all the other dumbfounded ignorant comments knowing damn well that everyone who know's Taz, ECW and the legacy is cringing, it's like Taz has morphed into Lord Alfred Hayes making little silly dittys like ramming down the "nicknames" like "The Manbear"..... I don't want to yo hear phrases like "Manbear" while I'm watching wrestling. That's gay Taz. That's lame. Fully understand it's your job but man.... it's getting bad.

Taz is so down to tow the WWE corporate line that it's vomit inducing and for me I have a really hard time knowing that one of Brooklyn's most celebrated sons has become a big soft patsy that gets prompted and poked by some clueless Hollywood fuckwads who are ruining what is left of those three intials E C W.

You know what, whatever happens now they have already killed ECW and I think we all know that. It's just the C Show now and should be viewed as just that. They might aswell get rid of the 'ECW Originals' because we'd be better served off having them in the indies. I hope they all make plenty of money before it becomes WWE Velocity or Heat on wwe.com .

So as it comes to pass that the mighty ballsacks were lowered on the mystery men of the world of WWECW who are responsible as Mikey firmly drops those hairy balls on the face of the ECW 'writers' and let's out a thick and furious fart that smells like sulphuric blast in a science lab. Fuck you WWE you just got Teabagged.

We Want Wrestling. Shove your sports entertainment up your ARSE.

Mike Hawes

www.myspace.com/mikeQPR

Next Teabaggin' with Mike Hawes:

Lucha Libre - PWU/ICP - UXW - EWF - NFL in London (Regular Season Game: Giants/Dolphins) oh and 1PW